101 Dirty Nuns

There were 101 nuns in a convent. In a large meeting of all 101,
the head nun stepped up to the pedestal ready to make a major
announcement. She said, “Ahem, Ahem, my fellow nuns, I have
ghastly news for you.

Yesterday, we found evidence that one of you nuns has been
uptown having sex with the locals.” 99 nuns gasped but 1
giggled. The nun then said, “We have found the condominium that
was rented by this nun.” 99 nuns gasped but 1 giggled. She then
said, “We then found much lingerie and other ladies clothing
strung about.” 99 nuns gasped but 1 giggled. “We also found a
pack of condom, one used, and a discarded pair of boxers, but
not briefs.” 99 nuns said gaspedbut 1 giggled.

Then the head nun said, “Here’s the big one, girls! We found a
suspicious hole in the side of the bedroom of the condominium,
which we were peeking through last night!” 99 nuns giggled, but
one gasped.

Halloween funnies for kids!

Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. I Scream.

Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray.

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo.

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos.

Q. Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin.

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They’re good at keeping things under wraps.

Q. Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.

Little Johnny goes to church

Monday morning little Johnny came to school with a black eye.
His friends ask him what happened. He tells them, “I was in church yesterday,
when a big fat lady sat in front of me.
When we got up to sing, I noticed she had huge wedgies. I couldn�t stand it
anymore, so I pulled it out, and she decked me”.
The following Monday, little Johnny came to school with 2 black eyes. His
friends once again asked what happened. He told them,”I was in church yesterday,
when the same fat lady came and sat in front of me. When we got up to sing, she
once again had the huge
wedgies. The guy next to me pulled it out, but I knew she didn�t like it out,
so I pushed it back in…”

Slow Golf

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back and said: “Small world.”

Questions to get into Heaven

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter’s there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?”

The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:” That would have been the Titanic, right?”.

St. Peter lets him through the gate. St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn’t REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?”

The garbage man guesses: “1228”

“That happens to be right; go ahead.”

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: “Name them.”

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

Items Needed:————-4 Oz. Fruit Bits1 Railroad TieWood SawLarge Rubber MallotSafety GogglesWEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don’t be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can’t break anything.For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).Finally, cover it tightly in platic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!

Definitivamente no hay derecho a

Definitivamente no hay derecho a tanto sufrimiento: �EXIGIMOS EL D�A DEL HOMBRE!

�Qui�n es el �nico que se atreve a comerse todo lo que le sirvan (o se le atreviese) sin chistar?: El abnegado hombre.

�Qui�n levanta los pies cuando est�n haciendo aseo?: El considerado hombre.

�Qui�n es el que va vestido de negro al matrimonio?: El est�pido hombre.

�Qui�n es el que se expone a una laringitis aguda por estar gritando cada vez que llega a la casa?: El dulce hombre.

�Qui�n es el que se expone a una �lcera de la rabia, cuando al llegar a casa no encuentra el aseo hecho, la comida caliente, los ni�os cambiados, la ropa lavada y planchada, la cocina limpia, los recibos de los servicios en la mesa y, encima, encuentra a la mujer en rulos?: El incomprendido hombre.

�Qui�n es el que se lastima los nudillos cada vez que reprende a la esposa?: El tierno hombre.

�A qui�n es al que le toca exponerse a que lo roben o apu�alen en un bar de mala muerte y amanecer en un duro anden, cada vez que sale a esas sanas reuniones nocturnas con sus amigos, mientras la otra est� dormidota en la camita bajo techo?: Al desprotegido hombre.

�Qui�n es el que, a pesar del cansancio y el estr�s, jam�s podr� fingir un orgasmo?: El sincero hombre.

�A qui�n le toca trabajar para pagar un mont�n de plata del recibo de la luz, porque la desconsiderada de la casa no hace sino planchar, aspirar, brillar y lavar, por lo menos nueve horas diarias?: Al paganini del hombre.

�Qui�n tiene que matar las cucarachas y ratones de la casa porque a la Alteza le da pavor?: El valiente hombre.

�A qui�n es al que se la montan cuando llega con colorete en la camisa?: Al incomprendido hombre (�acaso uno no puede tener un amigo que trabaje de payaso?).

�Qui�n manda en la casa?: La suegra, la mujer, los cu�ados, la empleada, el perro y hasta la vecina del abrumado hombre.

�Qui�nes tienen que aguantarse las ganas de llorar?: Nosotros los machos no lloramos.

�Qui�n es el que tiene que gastar considerables sumas de dinero en regalos para el d�a de la madre, la mujer, la secretaria, la amistad, san Valent�n, Navidad, cumplea�os, aniversarios y dem�s fiestas inventadas por el hombre para satisfacer a la mujer?: Adivinen…

�Qui�n nunca lleva la contraria, jam�s pide que le repitan una pregunta, y se viste en menos de diez minutos?: El �gil hombre.

�Qui�n llega inocente y puro al matrimonio?: Sin duda alguna, el hombre (nadie comete matrimonio con conocimiento de causa).

�Qui�nes est�n leyendo esto a escondidas para poderse re�r, ya que si son sorprendidos se exponen a un severo garrotazo?: Los cohibidos hombres.

�Qui�n jam�s podr� decir una mentira?: Los sinceros hombres (somos inocentes hasta que se nos demuestre lo contrario).

�Qui�n tiene que aguantarse las t�picas escenitas de: �Ya no eres el mismo! �No me vas a salir esta noche con que est�s cansado? �Ese pelo no es m�o! �Me voy para donde mi mam�!?: El resignado hombre.

La lista de razones que ratifican el derecho del hombre a tener un d�a especial para �l (diferente al d�a del trabajo), es infinita.