These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.25. Cover up your mouht before talking to anyone.
Author: admin
Seems Ms. Lewinski went to her favorite cleaners…
Seems Ms. Lewinski went to her favorite cleaners the other day. She
said to the owner, “I have another dress for you to clean”.
Being hard of hearing, he replied, “Come again?”
“No”, Lewinsky said, “Mustard!”
bungee jumping
What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you’re a dead man.
4 Roses
What’s better then 4 roses on a piano?tulips on an organ!
Persian Rugs
A very attractive, well dressed, woman walks into a shop that
sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and finds
the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it.
As she bends over to feel the texture of the rug, she farts
loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a salesperson
doesn’t pop up right now.
As she turns back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.
“Good day Miss, how may we help you today?”
Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, how much does this rug costs?”
He answers, “Lady, if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna
shit your pants when you hear what the price is!”
Americans were saying in 1959…
Here are a few things that Americans were saying in 1959. Some
of you will remember, some will only laugh…
* I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they
are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for
$20.
* Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be
long before $2,000 will only by a used one.
* If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A
quarter a pack is ridiculous.
* Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime
just to mail a letter?
* If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able
to hire outside help at the store.
* When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 30 cents a gallon? Guess we’d be better off leaving
the car in the garage.
* Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be
wearing their hair as long as the girls.
* Pretty soon, you won’t be able to buy a good 10-cent cigar.
* I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible
to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
* Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract
for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if
someday they’ll be making more than the President.
* I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances
would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.
* It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few
married women have to work to make ends meet.
* It would be long before young couples are going to have to
hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
* I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door
to a whole lot of foreign business.
* Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are
electing the best people to Congress.
* The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I
seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
* There is no sense going to the city for a weekend. It costs
nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.
* No one can afford to be sick anymore. $35 a day in the
hospital is too rich for my blood.
* If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the
country, that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.
* I don’t know about you, but if they raise the price of coffee
to 15 cents, I’ll just have to drink mine at home.
* If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it. I’ll
have my wife learn to cut hair.
* We won’t be going out much anymore. Our babysitter informed us
she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.
All syllogisms have three parts;
All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
Your lifetime goal is to
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
Instant Cow Attraction!
How do you get a hundred cows in a barn?
You hang up a bingo sign!
Little Johnny’s Train Set
Johnny loved his new trainset. His mother could leave him for
hours at a time while she did things around the house without
him to bother her.
One day, while she was cooking dinner, she over heard Johnny.
Everytime the train would pass the station, she would hear him
say “All those that want to get off, get the fuck off, All of
you that want to get on, get the fuck on.”
Highly disturbed by this, she raced into the room where Johnny
was playing. “Young man”, she said “march up to your room and
think about what I’ve told you about that kind of language.”
So up to his room he goes.
Two hours later, he comes back down and sits down by his
trainset. The train goes around a couple of times and he
proceedes to say “All those who want to get off, get the fuck
off, all those who want to get on, get the fuck on, all those
who are pissed off about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch
in the kitchen.
Lawyers Abode (Classic)
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: “This fence needs some repair. I’ll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.”
Lucifer: “If you want it fixed, you pay for it.”
Saint Peter: “The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.”
Lucifer: “Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!”
The Most Venomous Snake in the World
NAME:
“Expecteria Trouserius” (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION:
Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION:
Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.
SYMPTOMS:
This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.
HABITAT:
Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.
ANTIDOTE:
Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.
WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED: TORNIQUET:
Do not apply a torniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND:
This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND:
This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.