Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says “I’m going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy.” Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, “Look, I just made two people really happy.”Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, “Look, I’m going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier.” At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says, “I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.”
Author: admin
Q: How many dyslexics
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?A: Eno.
Play you
A violinist says to his wife, “Oh, baby, I can play you just like my violin.”
His wife replies, “I’d rather have you play me like a harmonica!”
Camping Trip
Sally, goes on her first camping trip. Her husband, who was a Scout Leader, was sick so she volunteered to take over for him one weekend. So, she got everyone together and assigned different duties to each scout.Gabby was responsible for the food supplies, Mike would be the cook this trip, Johnnie was responsible for their maps and making up a time schedule, Tim was to decide on their events, and to fit them into Johnnie’s schedule and Sally would test all their equipment before setting out.They arrived at Big Moose Mountain and everyone was excited. They arrived right on schedule and were getting ready for their first event – hiking up the mountain. But first, they wanted to get something to eat. So Sally asked Mike if he would prepare the meal and, of course, Mike said he would.About 10 minutes later he came back and told Sally, “I can’t make the supper. I can’t light a fire with the matches you brought.” Sally replied, “I can’t understand that. Those matches should be perfectly fine. I tested them all just before we left.”
The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor’s office are named Ingrid or Sven.
7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn’t think the term “New York City Hospitality Committee” is an oxymoron.
5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: “My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition.”
3. “Miss Salt Lake” for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]Redneck quickies 15
You might be a redneck if…
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.
You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit this afore I flush it.”
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
Brown Balls
The father of 17 kids goes to the doc’s with a rash on his belly. “All right” says the Doc, “drop ’em and let’s have a look.” Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims “Yes, you’ve got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you’ve got. They’re truly remarkable!”.The patient is a bit embarrassed and says “Look Doc, what about the rash?””Oh that’s easy,” said the Doc, “Here’s some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask…..””No,” said the patient, “You can’t. Now, is that all Doc?””Well, ” said the Doctor, ” You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I’ve ever seen!”The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.”What?” she yells, “Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven’t even got time to wipe my arse!””Ah” he said, “And that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Zeke!Zeke who?Zeke and
Knock KnockWho’s there?Zeke!Zeke who?Zeke and you shall find!
New Microsoft Windows advertising slogans
At the time of writing, Microsoft’s slogan for Windows 95 was “Where do you want to go today?” These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.12. Double your drive space: Delete Windows!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Parton!Parton who?Parton my
Knock KnockWho’s there?Parton!Parton who?Parton my French!
“You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It’s plucking your eyebr
Geri Jewell