As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual,”And what
would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped:
“Didn’t you get my E-mail?”
Author: admin
How many people do you
How many people do you know who have actually READ their entire
insurance policy and are prepared to discuss it intelligently?
-Richard Guindon
The blonde in open
whats the best football position a blonde plays? a wide reciever because shes always open!!!!!
What if
hey if a frog had wings would it bump his ass when he hopes?
No dumbass it would fly
Computer Quotes
What is a computer’s first sign of old age? Loss of memory.What does a baby computer call his father? Data.What is an astronaut’s favorite key on a computer keyboard? The space bar.What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.Computers are not intelligent.They only think they are.Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.My computer isn’t that nervous. It’s just a bit ANSI.The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
Martha Stewart’s Holiday To-Do List
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows ’95
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “Holiday Scents” in case tires are shot out at the mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
The Top 9 Items on Michael Jordan’s To-Do List
9. Finally roll and count that jar of loose change in the kitchen.
8. Call Kareem for advice on getting those plum movie roles.
7. Travel to the Middle East, buy the country which bears his name, and do some kick-ass landscaping.
6. Two words: Air Spice
5. Chase dream of becoming Olympic caliber women’s figure skater.
4. Strap a couple of championship trophies to the car and spend a day driving around Patrick Ewing’s house.
3. “Alright, Mr. Rubik… it’s just me and your cube… no distractions, no excuses.”
2. Forget “Be Like Mike” — start to enjoy Being Like Filthy Rich.
1. Report back to the home planet that he has successfully garnered the trust of all the humans and await final instructions.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ] [ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com ]Railings
elton john and rod stewart are walking down the road when they see a woman with her head stuck in between a fence and rod walks over and takes her from behind and says to elton go on have a go and elton replies oohhh i would never get my head between those railings.
Fear of Satan
The service was about to start. Everyone was in their pews chatting about their families, jobs, etc. when suddenly Satan appeared in the front of the church. Panic ensued. In their rush to get out the back doors, people jumped over pews, trampled one another, and flew through the doors at record speeds. When the dust settled the only ones in the auditorium are Satan and one older gentleman, who did not seem at all concerned that Satan was standing directly in front of him. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?” To which the older gentleman replied, “Yup. Sure do.” Satan: “Aren’t you afraid of me?” Older gentleman: “Nope, sure ain’t.” Satan was quite perturbed at this so he got right in the man’s face and asked, “And would you mind telling me why not?” The older gentleman replied, “Been married to your sister for 48 years.”
Viola joke
Q: What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering…
- The first rule of intelligent tinkering
- Save all the parts.
The first profession
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.”Thanks,” she said. “But I only charge $20.””Twenty bucks for the entire night?” the amazed MP replied.”You can’t make a living on that.””Oh, don’t worry,” the whore replied. “I do a little blackmail on the side!”