En la calle, un oficial

En la calle, un oficial de tr�nsito sigue a un tipo que va manejando estupendamente su auto. Cuando lo alcanza, en una luz roja, ve que son tres sujetos y le se�ala al chofer:

“�Caramba, amigo, maneja usted muy bien! En la comandancia ofrecen un premio en efectivo a la persona que mejor maneje en esta ciudad y usted es el ganador. �Qu� va hacer con su dinero?”

“Pues voy a sacar mi licencia de manejo”.

“No le haga caso, oficial, es que est� borracho”, asegura el copiloto.

“�Ya ven, yo les dije que no era buena idea robarnos este auto!”, reclama el de atr�s.

Commandment for Brothers and Sisters

One Sunday in church, the teacher asked her Sunday School class,
“Ok kids, what is the commandment for your mommies and daddies?”
One girl raised her hand and said, “Thou shall honor your mother
and father.”

“Good!” The teacher said, “What is the commandment for your
brothers and sisters?” Then one boy shot up and stated, “Thou
shall not kill.”

Artificial Insemination

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”

Brown Balls

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc’s with a rash on his belly. “All right” says the Doc, “drop ’em and let’s have a look.” Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims “Yes, you’ve got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you’ve got. They’re truly remarkable!”.The patient is a bit embarrassed and says “Look Doc, what about the rash?””Oh that’s easy,” said the Doc, “Here’s some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask…..””No,” said the patient, “You can’t. Now, is that all Doc?””Well, ” said the Doctor, ” You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I’ve ever seen!”The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.”What?” she yells, “Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven’t even got time to wipe my arse!””Ah” he said, “And that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…”

Redneck quickies 15

You might be a redneck if…

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to “Georgia on My Mind”.

You call your boss “Buddy”, on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you’ll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Someone in your family says “Cum’n heer an’ lookit this afore I flush it.”

Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.