Yours Fun Portal !
The scene – Husband and wife in bed.
The story – Husband rolls over to wife and taps her in the shoulder.
Wife says “Not tonight sweetheart I have a gynecologist appointment in the morning”.
Five minutes elapses – Husband rolls over again and taps wife on the shoulder and says “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
There was a man who had memory loss. His wife got so fed up with him that she decided to take him to a doctor to help him remember things. A few weeks later the man was out of the hospital and his wife felt he had made a big improvement. A few days later they decided to celebrate so they invited their parents over for dinner. The man’s father asked what the doctor’s name was.The man replied, “What’s the name of that flower with a long stem and little thorns on it?” His dad looked confused and said, “Rose?””Yes that’s it… Hey, Rose… what�s the name of my doctor?”
A girl came back home from the school and asked her grandmother, “Granny, what
is a lover?”
“A lover?” the grandmother said. “Let me think. Lov…. Lover…. Oh, my God!”
She rushed to the wall, pulled aside the hanging rug, revealing a hidden closet
door. She unlocked the door, and a skeleton of a young man fell out from the
closet.
When Casey stated he was getting married, his pet parrot was very upset & insisted on going on the honeymoon with the couple. “Okay, okay”, his owner agreed to the bird, “You can come along, but I don’t want you looking. You gotta promise that you’ll look the other way when we’re making love…and if you break your promise, you’ll get nothing to eat!”Not wanting to be left at home, the parrot readily agreed.Before leaving on their honeymoon, Casey & his new bride were packing their suitcases, the man, out of breath, says to his wife, “I can’t get it all in honey, you’ll have to sit on it.”She says, “No, that won’t work, I’ll get on top and press down.””No that’s not gonna work, why don’t we both get on top?”It’s then that the parrot thinks to himself, “Food or no food…this I GOTTA see!”
“Darling,” a husband whispered to his wife late one night, “if I died, would you get married again?”
“I suppose so,” she replied.
“Would you sleep in the same bed with him?”
“Well, it’s the only bed in the house, so I have no choice.”
“Would you make love to him?”
“Honey,” the woman said patiently, “he would be my husband.”
“Would you give him my car?”
“No,” she yawned, “He can’t drive a stick shift.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman. He
rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old
son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick’s hiding in your wardrobe and
he’s got no clothes on!”
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
“You bonehead!” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!”
Harried wife, figuring at desk, to husband and children: “Well, I worked out a budget. But one of us will have to go.”
Husband, peering at a stack of bills: “Well, it’s finally happened. There’s a payment due on something every day.”
Wife to Husband: “All right ! I admit I like to go shopping and spend money… but name one other extravagance.”
Wife to husband, working on budget: “Perhaps we could borrow a little every month, and put that aside.”
Husband to wife discussing dental bills: “Maybe we get a some kind of book and straighten their teeth ourselves.”
Wife, looking at checkbook: “Of course it balances. The checks total up to the exact amount we’re overdrawn.”
Wife to husband who’s frowning over a pile of bills: “Do what the government does, raise the debt ceiling.”
Husband looking up from newspaper: “What happened between you & the merchants ? I see business was down for December.”
Husband to daughter’s beau: “Glad to finally meet you. I’ve noticed you in our food budget for some time now.”
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in
his family’s house: Their four children were outside, still in
their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and
wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his
wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.
Proceeding into the entry he found an even bigger mess: A lamp
had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one
wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon
channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various
items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink,
breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled
on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small
pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more
piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may
be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her
lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas,
reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his
day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened
here today?”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come
home from work you ask me what in the world I did today?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”
Three buddies are sitting around talking one day when they begin to discuss
what they would like their friends and families to say about them as they’re
laying in their caskets at their funerals.
The first man says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor
of my time, and a great family man.”
The second man says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and
school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say… LOOK!! HE’S MOVING!!!”
Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves. After they’dfinished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and thenthrew them away. The other woman, realising she was wearing somevery expensive knickers, didn’t want to throw hers away and so lookedaround for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearbywreath.So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home. The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, “I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they’re up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!”The other one replied, “Tell me about it! If you think that’s bad, my wifecame home with a card stuck to her arse that read – “All the members of the District Fire Brigade will never forget you”.
A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.
“Care to go upstairs and do it?” the husband asked.
“Shh!” said the bride “All the neighbors will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”
So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”
“No, I definitely shut it,” replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.
When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”
“No, thanks,” said the husband. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn’t want my sister to marry one.