Category: relationships

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and
falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes
up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the
doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle
from Cork came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh No, not my Uncle… he’s an nutcase!”

She asks the doctor,� Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

A elderly woman was in the habit of playing cards one night a month with a group of friends. She was concerned because she always woke up her husband when she came home late at night.

One night she decided not to rouse him. So she undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tip-toed nude into the bedroom, only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

“Darn it woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

There is this couple, and the wife is very self conscious. She is always asking her husband if she is still pretty, if she is too fat, and if her boobs are okay. Well, one day she is standing in front of the mirror naked and asks her husband, ‘Honey, are my boobs too small? ‘No, honey, they are fine.’ He replies. ‘Are you sure?” Yes, but if you want to make them bigger, then why don’t you try rubbing toilet paper between them. ‘So for the next couple of weeks the wife rubs toilet paper between her boobs several times a day. At the end of a couple of weeks she gets in front of the mirror again. ‘Honey, where did you get the idea that this toilet paper thing would work? ‘Well, you have been rubbing toilet paper between your ass all these years and that’s getting bigger!’

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.

One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished they fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 8 o’clock.

They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.

Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he’s pretty weird).

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.

Upset, she asks where he’s been.

The man replies “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.

Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep.
That’s why I’m late.”

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains on your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you!”

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

“Do you know what I?m doing?” he asks.

“Yes,” she replies. “You?re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities.”

“That?s right,” says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I?m doing now?”

“You?re checking for any lumps or breast cancer,” she replies.

“Correct,” says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. “Do you know what I?m doing now?”

“Yes,” she says. “You?re getting herpes?which is why I came here in the first place.”

A wealthy business man and his wife are looking through a marriage-help book when his husband turns to his wife. ”It says here that the most important thing in a marriage is honesty. So let’s come to grips here. Honey… have you ever cheated on me? I’ve never cheated on you.”
He saw the twisted look on his wife’s face, and trying to supress his anger, he asked: ”How many times? And when?”

The wife responded, ”Well… you know that time when your company was broke, and you couldn’t get the landlord to let his pay slide for another month?”

The husband stared. ”You mean you’re the one who got him to?”

His wife knodded. The husband thought it over, then sighed. ”I guess that’s okay. Any other times?”

”Well… when you had that heart attack, and the doctor refused to give a heart transplant for the ammount of money we had at the time… I kinda…”

”Ah, you’re the one who made it possible.”

The husband looked honestly relieved. ”Well, that’s understandable, you saved my life. Any others?”

She nodded. ”One more.”

The husband leaned forward. ”Well… you remember the time when you were running for president of your company, and you were short by 17 votes…?”

A mermaid walked out of the sea carrying an infant. She approached the people
on the beach and said, “Can you please tell me how to find a diver by the name
of Jerry?”

Marriage consists of only 3 rings:

An engagement RING,
A wedding RING,
And suffeRING.

Wife: Who was that on the phone?

Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.

Wife: What did he say?

Husband: He asked if the coast was clear…

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis.To her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: “She’s not my wife… She’s not my wife… She’s not my wife…”

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me. ” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

One night, an 87 year old woman came home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and pushed her husband off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, the fall killed him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say.

“Your honor,” she began, “I figured that at 92, if he could screw, then he could definately fly!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis