Category: relationships

A guy at the golf course takes a high speed ball in the crotch. Writhing
in pain and agony, He falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the
doctor. He says, “How bad is it DOC?” I’m going on my honeymoon next week
and my fiancee is a virgin in every way shape and form.” The Doc said,
“I’ll have to put it in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It
should be okay by next week.” So the Doc took four tongue depressers and
made a neat four sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an
impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his fiancee. Then
they marry. And on their honeymoon night in there hotel room, she rips
open her blouse to reveal the most gorgeous set of breasts he has ever
laid eyes on. This is the first time he saw them. She says, “You are the
first to see these. No one has ever touched my breasts.” He pulls down his
pants, whips out his peker and says, “And look at this, it’s still in the
crate.”

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they’ve had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, ‘Oh no, its so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?’ She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad. ‘Where the heck have you been?!?! ‘Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her. ”Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!’ She sees his hands are covered with powder and… ‘You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!’

A man’s house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in “3 more times” without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, “Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?”

The man replies, “I’m turning over my mother in law.”

Good evening ladies”, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.

“Do you know them?” Dr. Watson asked. “No”, Holmes replied, “I’ve never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.”

“Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?”

“Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.”

“The prostitute”, he continued, “grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.”

“Amazing!” Watson exclaimed. “But how did you know the third was a newlywed?”

“Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.”

A boy was teaching girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s
subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost fucking impossible!

Tips on love, from those who should know. All questions were
answered by kids, ages 5-10.

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

“Eighty-four, because at that age, you don’t have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in
your bedroom.” (Judy, 8)

“Once I’m done with kindergarten, I’m going to find me a wife.”
(Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
(Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to
buy her a big ring and her own VCR, ’cause she’ll want to have
videos of the wedding.” (Jim, 10)

“Never kiss in front of other people. It’s a big embarrassing
thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few
hours.” (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

“It’s better for girls to be single, but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them.” (Lynette, 9)

“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a
kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.” (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

“No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to
do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so
popular.” (Jan, 9)

“I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something,
but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

“Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.” (Roger,
9)

“If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I
don’t want to do it. It takes too long.” (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

“If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your
family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)

“It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome
like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary,
7)

“Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long
time.” (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

“They want to make sure their rings don’t fall off because they
paid good money for them.” (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

“I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The
Simpsons’ is on television.” (Anita, 6)

“Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me.”(Bobby, 8)

“I’m not rushing into being in love. I’m finding fourth grade
hard enough.”(Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

“One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if
you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of
bills.”(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

“Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.” (Del, 6)

“Don’t do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain’t the same thing as love.” (Alonzo,
9)

“One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it’s
something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.”
(Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE
IN LOVE?

“Just see if the man picks up the check. That’s how you can tell
if he’s in love.” (John, 9)

“Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will
get cold. Other people care more about the food.” (Brad, 8)

“It’s love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because it’s just like how their hearts
are on fire.” (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY “I LOVE YOU”

“The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope
he showers at least once a day.” (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

“You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the
best of you.” (Doug, 7)

“It might help to watch soap operas all day.” (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

“It’s never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you…That’s why I stopped doing it.” (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

“Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.” (Tom,
7)

“Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never
take out the trash.” (Randy, 8)

Two newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.” She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers,” she said.

“That’s right,” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. ”I can’t get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes.”

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Why are some married men like candles?

Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.