Category: relationships

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but… How’s your health?”

“It’s OK”, he answers. “I’m not getting any younger, but I don’t have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.”

“Well, then,” she replies. “I don’t want to be a snoop, but I’ve got to protect myself, how are you fixed financially?”

“So-so. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable. You don’t have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself.”

The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain, “And how’s your sex life?”

“Infrequently.” he declares.

The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking, “And is that one word or two?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself “Wouldn’t it be great if she
would even just come down and talk to me.” He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no – My wife’s dinner party!!!”
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said –
“Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis and Christine

Girl: Do you know what family the octopus belongs to?
Boy: No one in our street.

The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, “Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?”

After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, “Well, I’m waiting.”

And the guy takes a deep breath and says, “Well, I’m still counting.”

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.” The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma.” The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street — she never felt a thing.A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, “God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy.”His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn’t concentrate, however, thinking about those words, “Goodbye Daddy.” He finally came home early, but very carefully.He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, “What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing — the milkman dropped dead on the back porch.”

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man
realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5am for an
early flight to Sydney.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally
wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5am.” The next
morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9am, and that
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see
why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed.. it said, “It is 5am, wake up!”

Betty’s mother was visiting her daughter and son-in-law Bill. Bill came home
from work and found six vacuum cleaner salesmen outside his house. He dashed in
and said, “Mom, there are six men outside who all claim they have an appointment
for a vacuum cleaner demonstration!”
“That’s right,” the mother-in-law replied. “Now you just show them all to
different rooms and let them start demonstrating.”

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A husband buys his wife flowers for for the first time in their married life, and she is so excited she grabs him by the hand, pulls him up the stairs, strips lies on the bed with her legs wide open, and says darling this is for the flowers. and he replies dont be silly you must have a vase somewhere!

A man and his wife were traveling in Texas. A highway patrolman pulled the man over for speeding. The cop came up to the car and asked to see the man’s license. The wife who was hard of hearing said, ‘what’d he say?’ He said he wanted to see my license. The cop said you’re from Ohio. The wife said what’d he say. The husband said I see you’re from Ohio. The cop said the worst pussy he ever got was from a girl from Ohio. The wife said what’d he say. The husband said the cop thinks he knows you.

A man and his wife had six children and the man was very proud of that. He
would boast and brag in any way possible about his six little children. He
even got so happy about it, he sometimes called his wife “Mother of Six,”
much to her dismay.

One night they were at a dinner party and the man thought that it was time
to go and wanted to know if his wife agreed. “Are you ready to go, Mother
of Six?” he screamed over the crowd. His wife, extreamly pissed off,
answered, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four!”