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A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?” she asks.
“Because everytime I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis & Calamjo
Typical “macho man” marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you!
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules…any comments?”
His new bride matter of factly says, “No, that’s fine with me.
Just understand one thing… there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night – whether you’re HOME or not!”
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that airplane.” And every year Martha would say, “I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied, “Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary.”
The guy says, “What’s wrong with her?” The boss shows him a picture, and she’s hideous.
The boss says, “It’s only fair to tell you, she’s not only ugly, she’s as dumb as a wall.”
The guy says, “I don’t care what you offer me, it ain’t worth it.”
The boss says, “I’ll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island.”
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex. About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he’s about to hang it on the wall. He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, “Bring me a hammer.”
She mumbles, “Get the hammer. Get the hammer,” and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, “Get me some nails.” She mumbles, “Get the nails. Get the nails,” and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, “Fuck!”
She mumbles, “Get the bag. Get the bag.”
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:
We will wake the kids – 54 times
It’s too late – 15 times
I’m too tired – 42 times
It’s too early – 12 times
It’s too hot – 18 times
Pretending to be asleep – 31 times
The neighbors will hear – 9 times
Headache or backache – 26 times
Sunburn – 10 times
Your mother will hear us – 9 times
Not in the mood – 21 times
Watching the late show – 17 times
Too sore – 26 times
New hairdo – 6 times
Wrong time of the month – 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve
this, shall we??Love, Your Hubby
**********************
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times
Did not come home at all – 36 times
Did not come – 21 times
Came too soon – 38 times
Went soft before you got it in – 19 times
Cramps in your leg – 16 times
Working too late – 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”
Love, Your Wife
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation.
After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: “Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.”
His friend was quick to wire back: “Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper. He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “I don’t complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?”
I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the
message never sunk in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived
home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time, and then
went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again
he handed me a toothbrush.
“When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “you might as well sweep the
sidewalks�.
He will be just fine when they take the casts off.
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.The wife said, ”What are we going to do?” ”Nothing,” said the hunter, ”The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary.
During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof, the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.
He said, “I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me.”
So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof, the husband was 90.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?””Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.””Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: “When I’m dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”Wife: “No, I can’t marry anyone after you.”Johnson: “But I want you to.”Wife: “But why?”Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”