Category: relationships

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

“Care to go upstairs and do it?” the husband asked.

“Shh!” said the bride “All the neighbors will know what we’re about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we’ll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, ‘Have you left the washing machine door open’ instead?”

So, the following night, the husband asks, “I don’t suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?”

“No, I definitely shut it,” replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, “I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?”

“No, thanks,” said the husband. “It was only a small load so I did it by hand.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the TV and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife gets him a beer. Ten minutes later, he says, “It hasn’t started yet. Get me another beer.”

She looks annoyed, but goes to the kitchen, gets another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and 10 minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer.

It’s going to start any minute.”The wife is furious. “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of the TV? You’re nothing but a fat, lazy, drunken slob, and furthermore. . . .

“The man sighs and says, “It’s started.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ‘Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.’

‘My darling,’ he replied, ‘think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

While my wife and I were shopping at a mall kiosk, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by. My eyes followed her. Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, “Was it worth the trouble you’re in?”

How do you know if you’re in love, in lust, or really married?

LOVE – When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST – When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE – When you lose your child in crowded room.

LOVE – When intercourse is called “making love.”
LUST – When intercourse is called “screwing.”
MARRIAGE – What the hell are you talking about?

LOVE – When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST – When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE – When you argue over money.

LOVE – When you share everything you own.
LUST – When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything.

LOVE – When it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax.
LUST – When the relationship is over if you don’t climax.
MARRIAGE – What’s a climax?

LOVE – When you phone each other just to say, “Hi.”
LUST – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE – When you write poems about your partner.
LUST – When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks.

LOVE – When you show concern for your partner’s feelings.
LUST – When you couldn’t give a shit.
MARRIAGE – When your only concern is what’s on TV.

LOVE – When your farewell is “I love you, darling…”
LUST – When your farewell is “So, same time next week…”
MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief.

LOVE – When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST – When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake.

LOVE – When your heart flutters everytime you see them.
LUST – When your groin twitches everytime you see them.
MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties everytime you see them.

LOVE – When nobody else matters.
LUST – When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.

LOVE – When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST – When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE – When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST – When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE – When you’re only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST – When you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE – When you’re only interested in your golf score.

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband’s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. “I demand proper manners in bed,” she declared, “just as I do at the dinner table.”

Amused by his wife’s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. “Is that better?” he asked, with a hint of a smile.”

“Yes,” replied the girl, “much better.”

“Very good, darling,” the husband whispered. “Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.”

An angry husband was complaining to his friend about his slovenly wife.

“She never does any housework, I never get a cooked meal, everything’s dirty, including her. I’m so fed up I sleep on my own and I wish she was dead.”

The friend suggested that he try killing her with sex. It wasn’t an offense, after all. So the man returned home, dragged his wife upstairs and kept her there the whole weekend. By the time Monday morning came he could hardly drag himself to work, but when he came home that night the house was spotless, a steak was cooking and she was standing there with a sexy see-through nightie on.

“You see, darling,” she said. “Treat me right and I’ll treat you right.”

A boy is at home with his parents but they start to have a fight. The mum says you bastard so the boy asks, what a bastard is, his mum says that its another name for husband. Then his dad says you bitch, the boy asks what a bitch is, his dad says that its another name for wife.
A few minutes later his mum is putting make-up on until she says shit because she has got it on her dress, again the boy asks, what shit means. His mm says that it means putting make-up. He goes downstairs where his dad is stuffing the chiccken until he gets his hand stuck and says fuck. Again the boy asks what it means. His dad says that it is another meaning for stuffing the chicken.
Not long after the mailman comes to the door and asks if his parents were home. The boy says yes and then the mailman asks where they are.

The boy says, the bitch is upstairs in the bedroom puuting shit on her face and the bastards in the kitchen fucking the chicken.

If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, ‘I was coming up to die.’

She laughed and replied, ‘I was coming down to kill you!’

After Leslie brought home her fiance to meet her parents, her father invited
the young man into his study to find out more about him.
“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.
“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.
“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie’s father replied. “But what will you do to
provide a nice house for my daughter?”
“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,” Joseph explained.
“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”
“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fianc�.
The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie
had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.
The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is
that he thinks I’m God.”

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

“Why?” she asks.

“Because everytime I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis & Calamjo