Category: relationships

The young couple were holding hands in the Sunshine Gardens nudist camp. “When I tell you I love you,” he asked, “why do you always lower your eyes?””To see if it’s true,” she answered shyly.

A father and his son were in the backyard trying to fly a kite. The boy held the kite up and the father ran pulling the string. The kite would go up in the air ten or eleven feet and flutter to the ground. Several tries and the same thing kept happening.

The wife was watching this from the kitchen window and she stepped to the door and called to her husband: ‘Honey, what you need is more tail.’

‘I know, I know’ replied the husband. ‘That’s what I told you last night and you told me to ‘go fly a kite’.’

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

A old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake!”

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the men: “For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”

Jim leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

The rest of the story is not pleasant.

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I?m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,” and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”

The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and
immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children anxiously
waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the directions, attempting
to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up and called upon an old
handyman working in a neighboring yard.

The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had
the set completely assembled.

It’s beyond me,” said the father, “how you got it together without even
reading instructions.”

“To tell the truth,” replied the old-timer, “I can’t read, and when you can’t
read, you’ve got to think.”

When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying.
“Your mother insulted me, very much.” she sobbed.
“My mother? How could she do that when she’s on a vacation on the other side of the world?”

“I know. But this morning, a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it, because I was curious.”
“And?”
“At the end of the letter, it was written:

P.S. Dear Catherine, when you’ve read this letter, don’t forget to give it to my son.”

Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.

There once was a man who had three girlfriends, and he couldn�t decide which one to marry. He decided to give five thousand dollars to each woman to see what she would do with it.The first woman bought new clothes for herself. She got an expensive new hairdo, a massage, a facial, a manicure, and a pedicure. She said, I spent the money so that I would look pretty for you because I love you so much.The second woman bought a VCR, a CD player, a set of golf clubs, and a tennis racket and gave them to the man. I used the money to buy you these gifts because I love you, she told him.The third woman invested the money in the stock market and within a short time had doubled her investment. She returned the initial five thousand dollars to the man and reinvested the profit. Im investing in our future because I love you so much, she said.The man carefully considered how each woman had spent the money, and married the woman with the biggest tits.

May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.

A man complaining to a friend: “I had it all – money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman … then … pow! … it was all gone!”

“What happened?” asked the friend.

“Ahhhh … my wife found out …”

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, ‘What are these, Dad?’

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, ‘Those are called condoms, son…. Men use them to have safe sex.’

‘Oh I see,’ replied the boys pensively. ‘Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.’ He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, ‘Why are there 3 in this package.’

The dad replies, ‘Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.’

‘Cool!’ says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, ‘Then who are these for?’ ‘Those are for college men.’ the dad answers, ‘TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.’

‘WOW!’ exclaimed the boy, ‘then who uses THESE?’ he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, ‘Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……..’