One that never misses a period.
Author: admin
Get it Straight
A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, “Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!”
Hungry Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey
just did?”
The guy says, “No what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” Says the
bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats
everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He
finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did
now?” He asks.
“Now what?” Responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!” says the barkeep.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that blasted cue
ball he measures everything first!”
Blacks on bike, revisited
What do you call two black guys on a bike?
Organized crime.
Handicap
Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee,
preparing to start their game at 7 a.m. Just as the first was half way up his
backswing, a good looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in
front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went until she was totally naked.
As she disappeared into the woods he turned, dazed, to his companion, “What was
that about?!!!”
“Take no notice. Just get on with the game,” replied the other.
Settling down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four
men in white coats running across the course on a similar track to the young
lady. “What……?!?”
“Look. Just get on with the game,” said the second. “We don’t have all day,
and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.,” the second says with a chuckle.
For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted by
another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of
sand. “Now, hold on a minute,” said the first golfer, “I’m not playing until you
tell me what’s going on.”
“OK,” said the second. “Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady
is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in
white coats are chasing her.”
“I’ll buy that,” said the first, “but what’s with the guy and the two buckets
of sand?”
“He’s the guy who caught her the last time. That’s his handicap.”
When the Cat’s Away…
A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they’d leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!!Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them. “NO WAY,” she exclaimed. “I almost got caught yesterday!”
Sore Throat
A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.
“What does this have to do with my throat?”
“Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!”
Genie on the beach
One day, a couple was walking along the beach and fighting. Then the man got mad and kicked a bottle. Out of it came a genie. The genie said “You each get 1 wish and because the man kicked the bottle, you get to make a second wish, but your wife gets the same thing as you wish for”. So the woman made her first wish. “I wish that I had 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars”. POOF!!! she got her money. then the man made his wish. “I wish for 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars”. POOF!!! he got his money. Finally, he had to make his wish for the both of them. He didn’t really like his wife so he had to make it bad for her. Hmmmm. he thought for a moment then he said. “I wish I can have sex with the prettiest woman non-stop for 50 years. POOF!!! He was in a bes, having sex with a lady – and so was his wife
Holy Moley
How Does a dummy kill a mole?
He buries it.
En una fiesta, un catador
En una fiesta, un catador de bebidas lleva varias horas impresionando a su p�blico. De pronto, un aguafiestas, despu�s de haber regresado de la gasolinera con una botella, le dice al catador:
“�Puedes decirme qu� bebida es esta?”
El catador d�ndole un trago y haciendo un gesto de repugnancia, contesta:
“�Co�o, esto es gasolina!”
“Ya lo s�, �pero es con plomo o sin plomo?”
Ralph’s Observation: It is
Ralph’s Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
Un tipo iba por la
Un tipo iba por la carretera y ve un cartel que indicaba… m�xima a 80, y el tipo disminuye la velocidad a 80.
Despu�s mira otro cartel, m�xima a 60, y vuelve a disminuir la velocidad a 60, al rato otro que dec�a m�xima a 40, y disminuye a 40.
Va bajando la velocidad hasta que mira un cartel:
“Bienvenidos a M�xima.”