“There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the
first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy’s head who wears
Bounty on his head.”
Author: admin
Construction Code
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can’t hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, “I”, then at his knee, meaning, “need”, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, “handsaw”.
The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ”What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!”
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, ”I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.”
Computer gender war!
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Get it Straight
A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, “Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!”
Cat joke
what does a cat put on itself when it has a
opened cut??
purr.. oxside
Blondes Strike Back
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
What’s a brunette’s mating call?
“Has the blonde left yet?”
What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation
What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage
Hungry Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey
just did?”
The guy says, “No what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” Says the
bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He eats
everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He
finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did
now?” He asks.
“Now what?” Responds the patron.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!” says the barkeep.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that blasted cue
ball he measures everything first!”
The Counselor
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a
young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to
try counseling. They had been at each other’s throat for some time and
felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s
office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion.
“What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long
face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began
talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.
After 5 – – 10 – – 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went
over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for
several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat there
speechless.
He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had
happened. The counselor spoke to the husband, “Your wife NEEDS that at
least twice a week!”
The husband scratched his head and replied, “I can have her here every
Tuesdays and Thursdays.”
Redneck pick up line
How do rednecks in Kentucky have four play?Sis are you awake?
Ralph’s Observation: It is
Ralph’s Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
Vacuum
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on “Science & Nature”.
Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time, and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Cheap Nuts
Q: What�s cheaper Deer nuts or Peanuts?
A: Deer nuts cause they’re under a buck.