Author: admin

Who says athletes aren’t as intelligent as rocket scientists?

1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”

1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”

1982 Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”

1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”

1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.”

1976 Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: “Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it.”

1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?”

1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.”

1966 Red Auerbach, the Boston Celtics’ general manager, asked if he had any criticism of Bill Russell’s coaching: “He has the players too happy.”

1971 Mike Lucci, Detroit Lion linebacker, on his three key interceptions against the Chicago Bears: “Yeah, they gave me the game ball. If they hadn’t given it to me, I would have taken it anyway.”

1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.”

1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.”

1991 Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.”

1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: “They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free.”

1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.”

1991 Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son’s reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: “He said: ‘Gosh, Dad, that mean’s we’re not going to any more bowl games.'”

1986 LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: “They can’t fire me because my family buys too many tickets.”

1981 Dorothy Shula, on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami Dolphins’ coach: “I’m fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral.”

1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: “We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity.”

1971 Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: “They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its night life, San Diego’s sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi.”

1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn’t use a lonely end: “We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown.”

1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: “It wasn’t as easy as you think. It’s hard to stay awake that long.”

1991 Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'”

1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: “Rapport? You mean like, ‘You run as fast as you can, and I’ll throw it as far as I can?'”

1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA’s Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name: “Tom.”

1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: “You mean in the state?”

14> “Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary — the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.”

13> “I haven’t seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.”

12> “The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.”

11> “I’ve seen women pee standing up with better aim.”

10> “Somebody call Janet Reno — I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!”

9> “That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.”

8> “I haven’t seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.”

7> “Hey, Cunningham — Andy Warhol called. You’re at 14:55 and we’re tickin’ big-time here, Chachi.”

6> “He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O’Donnell’s house.”

5> “Hey Deion, Bubbelah — maybe you’d better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you’d paid for life’s little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?”

4> “When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar’s tomb.”

3> “That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.”

2> “Nervous? He’s tighter than Pat Buchanan’s sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.”

1> “Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]