12. Forced to cut back from classy $8000-a-night call girls to skanky $5000-a-night variety.
11. Humiliating to have to ask that photographer you kicked in the groin for a loan.
10. “Choking the coach” now a private affair between the player and himself.
9. All these new summer tattoos and no one to show ’em to.
8. No longer able to afford stretch limo, more prone to injuries during romp in backseat of an AMC Pacer with Madonna.
7. Research for doctoral thesis “29 Hoes in 29 Cities” comes to a grinding halt.
6. Instead of having high quality weed delivered, must venture out to pick up generic brand themselves.
5. Charge account revoked at “Big and Tall Freak of Nature” shop.
4. Trash talking totally ludicrous after sinking ten foot underwear-to-the-hamper shot.
3. Spike Lee is camped out on the front lawn, and you’re tired of hearing how you mow the lawn like a wimp.
2. With no early morning practices, getting Toni Braxton to leave can be a real chore.
1. Restricted to fathering illegitimate children in a confined geographical region.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]