An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, �I will give you three wishes.� The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, �I want a beer that never is empty.� With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, �I want two more of these.�
Author: admin
The Honeymoon.
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”
The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They’re choking the shit out of my ducks!”
Swedish Massage
A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young, very attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his torso. The guy was getting sexually excited as the masseur approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.
“You wanna wank?”, she asked.
“You bet,” came the excited reply.
“O.K.,” she said, “I come back in ten minutes.”
Chain
Q: If your wife comes out of the kitchen to give you a hard time what have you done wrong?
A: Made the chain too long.
Burn Victim
A guy burned two ears… so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened. He said, “I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang…so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear…””But how did you burn the other ear?” The doctor asked.”How do you think I called you people?”
I love you
fly with me and let me sing another song,
let me see whats really bright in a picture of paradise,
you are the one holding my hand,
you are the one darling,
kiss me,
fill my heart with song and let me sing for ever more,
you were all i longed for,
all my worship has been done,
please be true,
you are the one,
i love you.
Australians
Australians NEVER die…
they just stay down under!
Goin’ to Chicago
Two old senile men roomed across from one another at a nursing home. Bill fancied himself a race car driver, and one day the nurse heard him making noises and came running to his room.
“Bill, what are you doing?” she cried. “I just got my new Ferrari and I’m taking it out for a test drive!” “Okay, but be careful” she said and closed his bedroom door.
The next day Bill was again causing a ruckus and the nurse came to check. “Bill, what are you doing?” “I’m driving my new Ferrari to Chicago – vrrrooomm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “Okay, but be careful” she said and closed his bedroom door.
The next day she heard moaning and groaning from Bob’s room across the hall from Bill”s. She walked in to find Bob furiously masturbating. “Bob, what the hell are you doing?” Bob looked up and said “I’m fucking Bill’s wife while he’s in Chicago.”
Standing in Line
This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front’s back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”The bloke behind tells him, “Well, I’m a chiropractor and I can’t help myself. I can’t help practicing my art.””Are you crazy?” says the bloke in front, “I’m a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?”
Yo Mamma
your momma is so fat that when she sat on cloud skittles popped out!!
Great Big Bertha
Saw a patient from “another town” that had a car wreck and was brought to our
ED with a tib/fib fracture. She had been labeled as having “multiple allergy
syndromes”, and was being seen at an alternative medicine clinic in a
neighboring big city.
When told by the Orthopod that she was going to have to have her fracture
pinned, she wanted to know what type of metal he was going to use, as she was
allergic to many of them. He told her “titanium”. She refused to agree to the
procedure until she could rub some titanium against her skin to test for any
reaction. As the OR did not have any non-sterile pins/rods, the doc went out to
his car, opened the trunk, and brought back his Great Big Bertha titanium driver
for her to test herself with…..
Tough Questions
The 5 toughest questions for men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”)
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman