His and Hers perfect days

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER 8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses 8:30 Weigh in 5lbs lighter than yesterday 8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants 9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrent lilac bath oil10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and cut12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe12:45 Notice ex-boyfriends wife, she has gained 30lbs 1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit 3:00 Nap 4:00 3 dozens roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer 4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing 10:00 Hot shower (alone)10:30 Make love11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong armsTHE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM 6:00 Alarm 6:15 Blowjob 6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today 7:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee 7:30 Limo arrives 7:45 Stoli bloody mary enroute to airport 8:15 DFW – Private G4 to Augusta, GA (java, Spt Illust’d and Wall St. Jrnl) 9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club 9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens12:15 Blowjob12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under) 2:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini) 2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap) 3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew 4:30 Land World record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs) 5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage & hand job enroute by naked Kathy Ireland 6:45 Shit, shower and shave 7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal video released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold) 7:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20oz. New York Steak 9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar 9:30 Sex with three women (preferably at least two with mixed race origin)11:00 Massage and jacuzzi11:45 Bed (alone)11:50 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves the room11:55 Sleep

The Motel and the Wrong Number

(Remember, this is on the INTERNET — proceed with caution.)Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it.The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola.From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else’s calls 24 hours a day didn’t make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands.At 9 o’clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leola said, ‘No problem. How many nights?’A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. ‘No, that won’t be necessary,’ Leola said. ‘We trust you.’The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers’ convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II.She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch the O.J. Simpson trial, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter’s wedding in June.Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up.Once again Leola was helpful. ‘There’s no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers.’Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area.People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events.Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, ‘We’re prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel.’Leola replied. ‘We’ll take it, but only if you change the telephone number.’

AMERICA: Passing the Blame

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here’s a small list…

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she’s holding in her lap while driving,
she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors,
you blame the rock ‘n’ roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty,
you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television.
If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I guess I’ll just never understand the world as it is anymore…
So if I die while my old, wrinkled ass is parked in front of this computer while sending you this joke – I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK?

Dogs & Computers – Same or Different?

Favorite Food Dogs: kibbles

Computers: bits

Method used to end undesirable behavior

Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper

Computers: hit control-alt-delete

After destruction of personal property

D: dog not found

C: file not found

Favorite trick

D: roll over

C: play dead

Comic-page hero

D: Dogbert

C: Dilbert

Fun way to mess with their heads

D: peanut butter on roof of mouth

C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive

Consequence of virus

D: replace valuable carpeting

C: replace valuable data

Widely ignored government mandate

D: leash law

C: Communications Decency Act

Waste disposal tool

D: pooper-scooper

C: uninstaller

Sensitive internal procedures

D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional

C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed one kind of like this once

Method of marking territory

D: lifting leg

C: “Designed for Windows 95”

Unique behavior

D: lick and drag

C: click-and-drag

Inexplicable physical feature

D: dewclaw

C: scroll lock key

Estimated lifespan

D: 12 years

C: 12 months

At end of useful life

D: euthanasia

C: tax deduction

This blonde just got done drinkin so she walks…

This blonde just got done drinkin so she walks out of the bar and saw these two guys that were drinkin with her so she asked if she could have a ride. so they said sure jump in the tailgate so she does they start drivin down the rode, and the guys start to go off the road cause they are so drunk. so they went off a cliff and landed in the lake and the two guys got out ok but the bloned drownd cause she couldnt figure out how to open the tailgate.

Seductive

A guy is working behind the bar at a downtown restaurant, when
an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous chick walks up and beckons him
with her finger.

She seductively says to him, “Hey big boy, can I please speak to
the manager?”

He thinks that she is coming on to him as she starts running her
fingers through his hair, so he says to her, “the manager is not
around at the moment, can I help you in anyway possible?”

She then gently places a couple of fingers in his mouth and lets
him start gently licking them and says to him, “well then big
boy, you can pass on a message for me to the manager. Can you
let him know that there is no toilet paper in the ladies
toilets!!”

Apples and Grapes

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Many men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground.

They are not as good, but they were easy to get without putting out much effort.

So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they are amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Men, on the other hand, are like fine wine. They start out as grapes. It is up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Curtis