These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
Author: admin
Billy Ray
Q: What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
A: An itchy, twitchy twat.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Bloopers – Part 3
More paraphrased slips from Kermit Schafer’s hilarious book
“Blunderful World of Bloopers”
_________________________________________________________________
Burn rubber: Ladies, our shoe store is featuring sneakers that
are ideal for street walking.
Figures don’t lie: The annual report of the committee states
that health conditions aren’t all they should be. The city’s
beaches have an appalling amount of litter and a check of the
municipal swimming pool revealed some startling figures.
That’s service: You will find many attractive features at a
Getaway Inn. Getaway Inns are equipped to perform many
functions. So when you’re thinking of having your next affair,
remember Getaway Inn!
Keeping score: A typical scene of a western movie was being
aired showing the good guys huddled around a burning covered
wagon shooting frantically at encircling Apaches. At this point,
the network superimposed over the action, the following football
scores: “Cowboys – 36, Indians – 6”
Promo or porno?: Stay tuned for Charles Dickens’ immortal
classic “A Sale of Two Titties”….er…..”A Tale of Two Cities.”
Give her the prize: Our next contestant works for a prominent
newspaper. She’s the switchblade operator for the Toledo
Board….I mean switchboard operator for the Toledo Blade.
Sorry, ma’am!
Good view: A woman was arrested after she was discovered running
nude through the streets of town. Police have decided to detain
her several days for observation.
Bumper crap: The farmers in the valley are pleased to announce
that this year there will be an abundance of apples. This is
particularly good news because most of the farmers haven’t had a
good crap in years.
What a sport: We’re here on the fifteenth green where the
golfers seem to be having trouble with the long putts. However,
they are having no trouble dropping their shorts.
How big?: Our first guest is one of the nation’s outstanding
experts on birds. In addition to several parrots, she boasts of
having the largest parateets in captivity.
Send him to the showers: It’s raining again and it appears just
a matter of minutes before the game is called because of the
weather. As the Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher stand on the mound,
you can barely see the P.P. on his muddy uniform.
Little Johnny’s Train Set
Johnny loved his new trainset. His mother could leave him for
hours at a time while she did things around the house without
him to bother her.
One day, while she was cooking dinner, she over heard Johnny.
Everytime the train would pass the station, she would hear him
say “All those that want to get off, get the fuck off, All of
you that want to get on, get the fuck on.”
Highly disturbed by this, she raced into the room where Johnny
was playing. “Young man”, she said “march up to your room and
think about what I’ve told you about that kind of language.”
So up to his room he goes.
Two hours later, he comes back down and sits down by his
trainset. The train goes around a couple of times and he
proceedes to say “All those who want to get off, get the fuck
off, all those who want to get on, get the fuck on, all those
who are pissed off about the two hour delay, talk to the bitch
in the kitchen.
Three Cowboys
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”
The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. “And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
Sometimes you’re the bird, and
Sometimes you’re the bird, and sometimes you’re the windshield.
Lawyers Abode (Classic)
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: “This fence needs some repair. I’ll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.”
Lucifer: “If you want it fixed, you pay for it.”
Saint Peter: “The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.”
Lucifer: “Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!”
One, two, tree…
Two Irishmen looking for work saw a sign which read
‘TREE FELLERS WANTED’.
“Oh, now, look at that,” said Paddy, “What a pity there’s only de two of us!”
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo
bungee jumping
What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you’re a dead man.
Persistant stoner
A stoner walks into a 7-11 and asks the clerk, “Got any weed?”
The clerk responds, “Hell no, you damn stoner.”
The next day the stoner returns he asks the clerk, “Got any weed?”
The clerk outraged, smashes the stoners head on the counter and says, “Look you stoner, if you come in here and ask if I got weed one more time I will nail your feet to the floor.”
So.. the next the day the stoner walks in and asks the clerk, “Got any nails?”
The clerk says, “No.”
So the stoner asks, “Got any weed?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
�Qu� animal pesa 700 kilos
�Qu� animal pesa 700 kilos por la ma�ana, 300 al mediod�a y 7 en la noche?
La mujer, porque al levantarse su marido le dice “apartate vaca”, al medio d�a le dice “vamos a ver que hizo la cerda de mi mujer de almuerzo” y por la noche no para de decir “ven ac� conejito”.
Firing Squad
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were preparing to be put in
front of a firing squad. The brunette walked in first and stood
against the wall with the other two looking on. The squad said,
“Ready, aim…” and on aim the brunette pointed behind them
yelling, “Tornado!” The squad turned around and the brunette
fled over the wall to safety. Next the redhead stood in and at
“aim” she pointed and yelled, “Hurricane!” The squad turned
around and the redhead fled to safety. By now the blonde had
caught on, at the word “aim” just point and yell out a natural
disaster. So the blonde stepped in and at the word aim she
quickly pointed and yelled, “Fire!”