Category: relationships

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it’s not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

“How long will this take?”, she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years”, he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

“Worked for your ass, didn’t it?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

“What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck…..”

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend’s Parents The First Time You Meet Them

1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check!
5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.
7. Angie is so pretty I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you’ve got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?
9. There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monica’s will be okay too.
10. Can I put my car in your garage? I’m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost…

A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6 children, begins to call her “mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband’s description. “Mother of six,” he would say, “Get me a beer!” “Hey mother of six, what’s for dinner tonight?”

This type of situation persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled out, “Hey mother of six, I think it’s time to go!”

The wife seized the moment and shouted back, “I’ll be right with you – father of four!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A young lady comes home from a date rather sad.

She tells her mother, “He proposed to me an hour ago.”

“So why are you upset?” her mother asks.

“Because he also told me he�s an atheist. He doesn�t even believe there�s a hell!”

Her mother replies, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we�ll show him how wrong he is.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Tantilazing

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin
your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing,
forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck
they’re getting divorced,” she shouts�, I�ll take care of this.” She calls
Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced.
Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and
we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and
hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says,
“They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares now what do we tell
them for Christmas.

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, �Where have you been?� �I’ve been to the pub,� slurs the drunk. �Well,� says the cop, �it looks like you’ve had quite a few.� �I did alright,� the drunk says with a smile. �Did you know,� says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, �that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?� �Oh, thank heavens,� sighs the drunk. �For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.�

Good evening ladies”, Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.”Do you know them?” Dr. Watson asked. “No”, Holmes replied, “I’ve never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed.””Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?””Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces.””The prostitute”, he continued, “grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth.””Amazing!” Watson exclaimed. “But how did you know the third was a newlywed?””Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other.”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get
to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and
‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if
you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and
walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to
that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time
for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command
and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear
eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look
at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made
me a much better offer.”

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one of them $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.”

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and stereo and gives them to the man. She says, “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.”

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says, “I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.
After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. “She’s not from the States.”

“Yes I am.” said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, “Is he your husband?”

“Yes.” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered…. “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “she’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”