Category: other

Pepito va con su pap� y le pregunta, “�Oye papi, c�mo nac�?”

“Mira Pepito tu mam� tiene un hoyito, yo tengo un palito, entonces met� varias veces mi palito en su hoyito y as� naciste t�.”

Despu�s va con su mama y le pregunta lo mismo y dice, “Mira Pepito, tu pap� tiene un palito y yo tengo un hoyito, entonces tu pap� meti� su palito en mi hoyito y as� naciste t�.”

Entonces Pepito se va a jugar a la calle y se encuentra un palito y lo recoje. Sigue jugando y encuentra un hoyito y empieza a meter el palito en el hoyo. En eso sale una ara�a y Pepito grita, “�Ahhhh� �Mugre ara�a, si no fueras mi hija te mataba!”

Q: How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

A Mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt”. Her daughter asked “What happened to the flea?”

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” The man says, “Yep, sure do.”Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

Why did the Priest wear underwear in the shower?

He didn’t want to look down on the unemployed

A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can�t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.

“Honey!” he says, “you�re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it�s so great.”

“When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear.”

“When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck.”

“When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck.” He excitedly tells his wife.

Triumphantly he says, “We�re going to do the same thing for our sex life!”

“When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked.”

“When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed”.

“When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let�s give a test run. OK, ready?”

“Bell #1!” (they strip naked)

“Bell #2!” (they hop into bed)

“Bell #3!” (they start screwing there brains out)

A couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming “Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!”.

The husband confused says,”Bell #4, What�s that?”

The wife screams “More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!”

15> Start Me Up — Hand Me My Viagra, Please

14> She Loves You — Hey, Mister, Wanna Meet My Sister? Only Five Bucks!

13> Good Vibrations — My Sinful Dildo Pleasures Me

12> Love Me Do — Please Have Sex With My Styled Hair

11> I Just Called to Say I Love You — Wanna Have Some Hot Steamy Phone Sex?

10> Rawhide — Spank Me Again, Please, Master

9> Bohemian Rhapsody — We Don’t Understand This Song Either, So It Must Be About Sex

8> Stairway to Heaven — The Brothel Is on Second Floor

7> Sweet Child o’ Mine — My Young Daughter Tastes Delicious

6> I Feel Like I’m Fixin’ to Die Rag — This Tampon Is Killing Me

5> Like a Rock — Uncontrollable Erection in Math Class

4> You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away — Please Conceal Your Genitals, Perverted One

3> Great Balls of Fire — I Should Not Have Had Sex With That Prostitute

2> Morning Has Broken — Having to Urinate After Sleeping Has Caused My Man-Sword to Swell

1> Tainted Love — Your Crotch Smells Like Fish!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

What’s the difference between men and batteries?
Batteries have a positive side!

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father.He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

There are two sperm and they’re swimming and swimming and swimming for what seems like forever. They’re starting to get tired and one sperm says to the other, “Do you think we should pull over and ask for directions?”The other sperm replies, “Naaaahhhhh, we can find it.” So, they keep swimming. Finally, they see another sperm, who’s looks almost dead, and decide to stop and ask for directions. They ask, “Do you think you can help us get to where we are going?” The almost dead sperm says, “I’ll try, where ya going?”The two sperms reply, “Well, we’re trying to find the fallopian tubes so that we can try and fertilise the egg.”The almost dead sperm just starts laughing. The other two sperms look at one another, somewhat confused, and ask, “What’s so funny?”The almost dead sperm finally regains his composure and replies, “Well, you guys have a long way to go…… you’re still in the oesophagus.”

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.

“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.

“Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.

“View recede ten”, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.

“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.

“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.

“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.

“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready -”

“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”

“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than -”

“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”

“But it’s just not -”

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. “Don’t forget your batteries.”

Mother: “Why are you home from school so early?”Son: “I was the only one who could answer a question.”Mother: “Oh, really? What was the question?”Son: “Who threw the eraser at the teacher”