Category: other

An Indian (Native American) walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper.

The clerk asks if he would like no name (generic), Charmin, or White Cloud.

“White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper,” says the Indian. “How much is it?”

“$1.00 a roll,” the clerk replies.

“That seems pretty expensive,” responds the Indian. “What about the others?”

“Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll.”

The Indian doesn’t have much money so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours he is back at the trading post.

“I have a name for the no name toilet paper,” he annonces to the clerk. “We shall call it John Wayne.”

“Why?” asks the confused clerk.

“Cause it’s rough and it’s tough and it don’t take no crap off no Indian.”

Q: Who were Jenna and Barbara Bush with when they got caught by the police? A: Their uncle Anheuser

One day a woman was walking with her teenage daughter. The daughter asked, “Mom, what exactly is Heaven?”

The woman replied, “Heaven is when a big strong handsome man pulls my panties down or when we go under the sheets at anytime of the day.”

“Then what,” the daughter asked, “is Hell?”

Her mother replied, “That’s what I have to pay when your father walks in while I’m in Heaven.”

And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the
Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Remember that
we prefer if you would use the back entrance.

Un anciano, reci�n casado con una muchacha de veinte a�os le explica su problema al doctor:

“Mire doctor, todas las noches, cuando vamos a la cama, yo estoy tan cansado que me duermo temprano.”

“�No se preocupe! yo le prescribo estas pastillas…”

“Doctor… usted cree que con estas pastillas podr�…”

“�Nooo! pero con ellas, su esposa tambi�n se dormir� temprano como usted.”

Once while driving down a road a man saw a ladder with a sign
reading “The Road to Sucksess” he had just been fired and it
seemed like a good idea. He got the first landing and there was
a
very pretty woman standing there. He then saw her went higher
and thought, “I bet the higher I go the hotter a woman there
will be!” So he went another story and sure enough a hotter
woman than before stood there waving to him. Now he was really
excited and climbed as fast as he could, every story having a
hotter and hotter woman. So finally he got to the finnal floor.
He looked around but the onlything he could see was a tall,
fat,hairy, smelly man, who then said, “Hi I’m Sess.”

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexicanwith a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.”Take my money, my car but don’t kill me”, said the tourist.”I no kill you if you do what I say,” said the Mexican.”Just unzip your pants and start masturbating,” he ordered.Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. “Right, nowdo it again” said the Mexican.The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managedagain.”And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead.”With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effortand fell exhausted.”Good” said the Mexican, “now you give my sister a ride to thenext village.”

Some DEEP THOUGHTS to start off your week with:

. How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?

. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?

. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

. Clones are people two.

. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he
still wrong?

. No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

. If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?

. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

. Think “honk” if you’re telepathic.

. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went
nuts.

. I went to a store which said open 24 hours and he was closing. When I
asked why he said, “We’re open 24 hours, but not in a row.”

. Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are
furious.

. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

. Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?

. Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?

. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold
tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is
dead?

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one – none of that three wishes jazz, OK?”The man thought for a minute and said, “Well, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some thought said, “No, I don’t think I can do that; think about the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steal and concrete that would be needed. I’m sorry, you will have to choose another wish.”The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why do they get upset at us so easily, what are their true desires and needs? Basically…what makes them tick?!?”The genie stared at him and blinked a couple times.”So, do you want two lanes or four?”

Iba a haber un concurso de quien era el hombre que aguantaba m�s latigazos en la espalda.

Llega el norteamericano y lo ponen de espaldas y le empiezan a golpear con el l�tigo: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4… y 5… “�YA YA YA!” grit� el norteamericano.

Llega el franc�s: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4… y 5… y 6… y 7… “�YA YA YA!” grita el franc�s.

Finalmente toca el turno del mexicano, pero todo el publico se empieza a re�r por el estado f�sico del mexicano, flaco y chaparro… Entonces se acuesta y empiezan a los latigazos: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4…. y 25… y 36… 56…

De pronto, a lo lejos se escucha la voz de unas personas que dicen: “�QUE VIVA EL MUDITO, QUE VIVA EL MUDITO… QUE VIVA EL MUDITO!!!”

OXYMORONS…

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Safe sex
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Microsoft Works
Soft rock
Butt head
Military intelligence
Software documentation
California culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
“Now, then …”
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance

En una rueda de prensa:

“Y diganos, se�or intendente, �cu�les han sido los resultados del programa experimental de reinserci�n de reclusos?”

“Pues hemos tenido una de cal y una de arena; de los dos delincuentes que se presentaron voluntarios para el proyecto uno ha decidido hacerse abogado, pero parece que el otro quiere seguir por el buen camino.”