Category: other

OXYMORONS…

Act naturally
Found missing
Resident alien
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Safe sex
Airline food
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Government organization
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
British fashion
Living dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Microsoft Works
Soft rock
Butt head
Military intelligence
Software documentation
California culture
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Childproof
“Now, then …”
Synthetic natural gas
Christian Scientists
Passive aggression
Taped live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Temporary tax increase
Computer jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer security
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound cake
Diet ice cream
Rap music
Working vacation
Exact estimate
Religious tolerance

En una rueda de prensa:

“Y diganos, se�or intendente, �cu�les han sido los resultados del programa experimental de reinserci�n de reclusos?”

“Pues hemos tenido una de cal y una de arena; de los dos delincuentes que se presentaron voluntarios para el proyecto uno ha decidido hacerse abogado, pero parece que el otro quiere seguir por el buen camino.”

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you’re bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.
Jehovah’s Witness: Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism: There’s nothing like a good shit happenin’.
Christian Science: Shit Happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Existentialism: What is shit anyway?
Stoicism: This shit doesn’t bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept,And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the arse that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100 percent at work… 12 percent on Monday, 23 percent on Tuesday, 40 percent on Wednesday, 20 percent on Thursday and 5 percent on Fridays. And help me to remember that… When I’m having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, That it takes 42 muscles to frown, And only four to extend my middle finger and tell them to swivel.

What do you calla Hindu dating service?

Connect the dots

A politician awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him.”Why are the curtains closed,” he said.”Is it night?”A nurse replied, “No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn’t want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful.”

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? To get away from the noise

Un sacerdote y una monja se pierden en medio de una tormenta de nieve. Despu�s de caminar un rato, llegan a una caba�a peque�a. Totalmente agotados, se preparan para pasar la noche.

Hab�a una pila de mantas y una bolsa de dormir en el suelo, pero solamente una cama. Caballero aun en circunstancias extremas, el sacerdote indica:

“Hermana, usted duerma en la cama. Yo dormir� en el suelo, en la bolsa de dormir”.

Se mete dentro de ella, sube el cierre rel�mpago para cerrar la bolsa y comienza a quedarse dormido. Casi al instante la monja exclama:

“Padre, tengo fr�o”.

El cura sale dificultosamente de la bolsa de dormir, se levanta, busca una de las frazadas y cubre a la monja con ella. Acto seguido, retorna a la bolsa de dormir dispuesto a conciliar el sue�o, cuando la monja dice nuevamente:

“Padre, sigo teniendo mucho fr�o”.

El sacerdote, un tanto nervioso, repite la operaci�n anterior. Ni bien retorna nuevamente a la bolsa, ya pr�cticamente dormido, cuando lo interrumpe con lo mismo:

“Padre, me estoy congelando”.

Esta vez, el religioso no sale de su bolsa de dormir y habla, como pensando en voz alta:

“Hermana, tengo una idea. Estamos a muchos kil�metros de cualquier ser humano, alejados completamente de la civilizaci�n. �Por qu� no hacemos como si fu�ramos marido y mujer?”

“Por m� no hay problema”, contesta la religiosa con voz coqueta.

“�Entonces lev�ntate de la cama y b�scate tu propia manta!”, responde gritando el cura.

A young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn’t seem to get enough
lovin’. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love,
and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go – both before
and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the
house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back
again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town’s doctor, about
what to do.

“Easiest thing in the world, Homer” said the doctor. “You take your rifle out
with you every day don’t you? Well, when you feel like you’re in the mood for
some lovin’, just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to
come out to you. That way you won’t lose any working’ time.”

Homer tried his friend’s solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a
while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he
noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Didn’t my idea work? Where’s your wife?”

“Oh, it worked,� says Homer. “Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot
like you said, and Beckie’d comes running’. Then we’d find a secluded place and
make love. Then Beckie’d go back home.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain’t seen hide nor hair of Beckie since
hunting season got started…”

The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline “United States”

“Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada
by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer

Washington –
Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because […]

U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries.

“Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly.” he said.

• At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
• Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
• Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
• In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
• The Salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.
• You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
• You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
• You can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
• You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.
• You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
• You have more friends on the internet than in real life.
• You know what http:// stands for.
• You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.
• You see a good design and still have to change it.
• You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
• You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.
• You window shop at Radio Shack.
• You’re both in the backseat of your car, she’s looking wistfully at the moon, and you’re trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
• Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
• You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.
• You’ve have tried to repair a $5 radio.

Q: Why Do Bulldogs Have Flat Faces?
A: Because The Keep On Chasing PARKED CARS!!