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A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
“Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.”
“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.”
“Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is cockeyed.”
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.”
The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?” T
he barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About 2 hours.”
The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop an says, “About an hour and half.”
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
Don Jacobo, padre de Rebeca, preocupado por �sta, le pregunta:
“Querida Rebeca, �tienes alg�n pretendiente?”
“S� pap�, �tengo tres!”
El padre decide someter a prueba a cada uno de ellos: Abraham, Isaac y Samuel.
Don Jacobo le entrega a Abraham un huevo; a Isaac una naranja y a Samuel un chorizo, y les dice que a la semana deben volver y contarle que hizo cada uno con lo que se llev�.
A la semana llega Abraham y Don Jacobo le pregunta:
“�Qu� hizo con el huevo, Abraham?”
“Bueno… al huevo le romp� la c�scara, la tir� a la basura, me prepar� un huevo frito y me lo com�”.
“�No, mal, mal! Usted desperdici� la c�scara de huevo que picadita, picadita, es comida para p�jaros. No merece casarse con Rebeca. �V�yase!”
Luego llega Isaac y le dice a Don Jacobo:
“Bueno… yo pel� la naranja, me la com� y tir� la c�scara y las semillas”.
El padre de Rebeca enfurecido le dice: “�No, no y no! �Mal, muy mal! La c�scara de naranja es alimento de gallinas. Las semillas se plantan y as� alg�n d�a podr� tener naranjas. T� tampoco mereces la mano de Rebeca. �Vete!”
Finalmente llega Samuel y Don Jacobo, ya indignado, le pregunta: “Bueno… y t�, Samuel, �qu� hiciste con el chorizo?”
“Bueno, Don Jacobo… yo al chorizo le saqu� el hilo y me cos� un bot�n de la camisa; despu�s lo pel� y me com� lo de adentro; con el cuerito me hice un cond�n y me tir� a su hija, y aqu� tiene la leche para el gatito”.
How To Give Kitty A Pill1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop the pill in its mouth.2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa.3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat’s front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (resist impulse to get new cat.)5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat’s mouth by lifting the upper jaw & pop pill in – quickly! Since your head is down by your knees, you won’t be able to see what you are doing. That’s just as well.6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.7 If you are a woman, have a good cry. If you are a man, have a good cry.8. Now pull yourself together. Who’s the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat & pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, “Who’s the the boss here anyway?” Open cat’s mouth, take pill & ….Oooops!9. This isn’t working, is it? Collapse & think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.10. Crawl to the linen closet. Drag back a large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter & pill from potted plant.12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.13. Flatten cat’s front & back legs over its stomach. (resist impulse to flatten cat.)14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time & tabbies wait for no man – or woman!15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat’s head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.16. Drop pill into cat’s mouth & poke gently. Voila! It’s done!17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat’s). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).18. Take two aspirin & lie down.
Viajaban en avi�n un cura y una monja; de repente falla el motor y caen en medio del desierto. Comienzan a caminar con la esperanza de encontrar un oasis. Hallan un camello y se suben en �l. Pasan las horas, los d�as y del oasis �nada de nada! Por lo que es demasiado para el pobre camello, y �ste muere. Entonces el sacerdote repara en la monjita, que a decir verdad no estaba nada mal, y el instrumento se le empieza a poner duro, raz�n por la cual se acerca a la monjita y le dice:
“Mire, aqu� nos vamos a morir, nos hemos portado muy bien obedeciendo en todo al Se�or, por tal motivo tengo la seguridad de que si cometemos un pecadillo se nos perdonar� all� arriba, as� que �por qu� no fornicamos hasta morir?
“�C�mo cree, padre!”
“�ndele, hag�moslo, al fin y al cabo de que nos morimos, nos morimos”
Despu�s de no mucho insistir la monja acepta, y le dice el sacerdote, “a ver, ens��eme su cosita”.
La monja se levanta el h�bito y le muestra tremendo mollocoyo, y todo excitado le pregunta, “�y eso qu� es?”
“�El para�so!”, le contesta la religiosa.
Despu�s, la hermana le dice al cura que le muestre lo suyo. El padre inmediatamente se despoja de su investidura y deja ver tremendo animalote, y la monja le pregunta: “�y eso qu� es?
El religioso agarr�ndose el instrumento con ambas manos responde, “�esto es la pura vida!”
“�Ah s�?, �Pues m�tasela al camello a ver si revive!”
Como todas las cosas, tambi�n los refranes mexicanos cambian con el tiempo:
Ladr�n que roba a ladr�n… vive en el Distrito Federal.
La suerte de la fea… a la bonita le vale madre.
Mucho antes cae un hablador… si es cojo.
M�s vale prevenir… que amamantar.
Sale m�s caro el caldo… si lleva alb�ndigas.
Palo dado… �adi�s, loquita!
Ojos que no ven… pies que pisan caca.
El que no habla… Dios lo hizo mudo.
La excepci�n a la regla… dura 9 meses.
En el pa�s de los ciegos… el tuerto se hace g�ey.
Cr�a cuervos… y tendr�s un chingo.
Camar�n que se duerme… amanece de coctel.
�rbol que crece torcido… se le caen los pajaritos.
De tal palo… nacieron mis hijos.
El que r�e al ultimo… no entendi� el chiste.
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
“If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?” he asked.
“Yes!” said his adventurous girlfriend.
And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. “Go and get help!” he cried.
“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”
“Take my shoe,” he said, “and cover yourself.”
Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, “Please help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”
The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, “There’s nothing I can do….he’s in too far!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
What’s dumber than an [ethnic] building a house under water?
An [ethnic] trying to burn it down.
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?”
God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction ,and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured ,she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that car?”
God Replied,”I didn’t recognize you.”
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, “What do you want on your back for your whipping?” The German responds, “I will take oil!”So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, “What do you want on your back?” “I will take nothing!” says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. “What will you take on your back?” the Amazons ask the American. He responds, “I’ll take the Mexican.”
Name the man on the Jetsons.
George
Name the boy on the Jetsons
Elroy
Name the [ethnic] guy on the Jetsons
There isn’t one. ain’t the future grand!
The other day I saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I was feeling
particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and
put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience that
followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord, and how good He is… and I didn’t notice that the light
had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t
honked, I’d never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why,
while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and
then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO, GO!!
Jesus Christ, GO!!” What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone
started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling
at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the
love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a “sunny beach”…I saw another guy waving in a funny
way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son
what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or
something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing…why even HE
was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up
in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking
towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed, so I waved one more time to my loving
brothers and sisters, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed
I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed
again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we
had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all
the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for
such wonderful folks.