Category: other

If God had wanted people to be gay… he would’ve made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.

Q: What do you call a group of blacks in a barn?

A: old antique farm equipment

Q: How do you get a black down from a tree?

A: cut the rope

Q: what do you call a black priest?

A: holy shit

Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?

A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.

Is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.

“Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.”

“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice sex only with our eyes.”

“Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is cockeyed.”

Los padres de Pepito notaron que el ni�o ten�a el pene muy peque�o para su edad y fueron a consultar a un m�dico. El doctor examina a Pepito y concluye:

“No es nada serio, pero para que el pene crezca m�s r�pido, deben darle al ni�o bacalao frito todos los d�as en el desayuno”.

Al d�a siguiente, Pepito entra en la cocina y ve un mont�n de bacalao frito en la mesa. La mam� le advierte:

“Pepito, toma dos pedacitos de arriba y deja el resto para tu papi”.

From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate Saturday Night Live’s “Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey”

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?”

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks.

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: “A truck!”

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words “dot com” to the end of everything you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.

THIRD RUNNER UP

I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

SECOND RUNNER UP

I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower.

FIRST RUNNER UP

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

WINNER

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

little miss druggy
sat in her buggy
smokin an ounce of weed
along cam a spider sat down beside her
and sold her a kilo of speed

A guy shows up at the emergency room with a golf club wrapped around his head.The doctor asks the guy how this came to be… “I was playing at that new course out in the country. Because of the only bad tee shot I’ve made in my life, my ball ended up in the cow pasture. While I was out there looking for it, some fat broad hit her ball into the same place.””So we’re both out there searching, and she’s swearing like she just invented it and beating the hell out of the forage with her club. I find a ball. She claims it’s hers, and we end up continuing to search for the other one while she bitches and I listen. Finally, I know I’ve looked everywhere except where some real cows are standing.” “So I pick up the cows’ feet one by one, but there’s no ball under a cow. Now there’s only one other chance. I lift up the biggest cow’s tail, and sure as hell, there’s a golf ball! When I turned to the fat broad, the ball fell out. I pointed under the tail and said ‘Does that look like yours?'”

one day a boy wanted $5 dolars from his dad. the dad said no unless u can make ur dick touch ur ass. the boy tried but said no. the next day he trained to make his dick touch his ass but couldnt do it. the next day the boy somehow found $5 and use it on a lottery ticket. he won $100,000,000. his dad lost all his money due to 1 reason. he was training to make his nipples become boobs. the dad said to the boy can i have some money. can ur dick touch ur ass and woah!wat the hell are those!! said the boy boobs said dad. later he said yes and showed him how to make his dick touch his ass. the boy said FUCK YOU!!!!!!!

His parents had just moved to town, and it was his first day in first
grade at the new school. He was really nervous, but he didn’t do so badly,
he learned to count to ’50’, when most of the other kids could
only count to 30, (some kids got to 35, but our boy got all the way to 50
and only missed a couple of numbers)

Our hero was so excited, that when he got home he told his dad
how well he had done in school. His dad said “Son, you did so well
becuase you’re an [ethnic].”

The next day the kids learned the alphabet in school. Most of th ekids got
as far as ‘M’ or ‘Q’, but our hero got all the way to ‘Z’, and only missed
a couple of letters.

That evening, bursting with pride, he told his dad how he had done better
than all the other students
on the alphabet. His dad said “Son, you did so well
becuase you’re an [ethnic].”

The next day, in gym class, our hero notced that he was a bit more
“developed” than any of the other boys. That night he asked his dad
if was bigger than the other boys because he was an [ethnic]?

“No, son,” his dad told him, “You’re bigger than the other boy becuase
you’re eighteen.”

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.