Category: other

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic, athiest, insomniac?

A. He was up all night wondering if there was a dog.

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During
one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery,
I’ll quit!”

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.” >From
then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.” This
satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for
years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in
this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional
talking about having fallen!” The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one
had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor
and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last
week!”

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.”

“Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?”

“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could
barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be
losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and
the light was red again, and again they went right though.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it.

She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention
to the road, and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red and they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said, “Mildred! Don’t you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said “OH SHIT!!! Am I driving?”

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, “Cheese sandwich: $1.50; Chicken sandwich: $2.50; Handjob: $10.”

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs. “Indeed I am.”

The man replies, “Well, wash your damn hands. I want a cheese sandwich!”

Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo

Why is Tigger always so dirty? Because he plays with Pooh!

Here’s what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State…

• The engine’s runnin’ but ain’t nobody driving = Not too smart
• As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
• Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
• Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
• We’ve howdied but we ain’t shook yet = We’ve met, but haven’t been formally introduced
• He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn’t stink
• She’s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She’s a talker
• It’s so dry the trees are bribin’ the dogs = Rain would be nice
• Just because a chicken has wings doesn’t mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
• This ain’t my first rodeo = I’ve been around the block
• He looks like the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
• They ate supper before they said grace = They’re living in sin
• Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you’re told
• As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
• You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn’t make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn’t change a thing

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ”It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, ”Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?”

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ”Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.”

And the Lord replied, ”Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said, ”What is a ‘caress’?” So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ”Lord, that was even better than the kiss.”

And the Lord said, ”You’ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, ”What is ‘make love’, Lord?” So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ”Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”

Un ni�o entra al consultorio de un ginec�logo y, ante la sorpresa de la secretaria, pide hablar con el m�dico.

La secretaria le explica que ese m�dico, en especial, s�lo atend�a a se�oras, y que seguramente se hab�a equivocado. El ni�o insiste de tal manera, que a la secretaria no le queda otro remedio que decirle al m�dico lo que ocurr�a, y �ste, por curiosidad, lo hace pasar al consultorio.

Una vez adentro el ni�o le pregunta: “�doctor, una mujer de 5 a�os puede quedar embarazada?”

El m�dico con una sonrisa le responde que no. El ni�o insiste nuevamente: “�est� Ud. seguro, doctor?”

Cansado por tanta insistencia del ni�o le responde: “yo soy m�dico y te garantizo con total seguridad que lo que me preguntas es imposible”.

A lo que el ni�o responde: “�hija de puta!”

Extra�ado, el facultativo le pregunta: “�por qu� dices eso?”

“Esta guacha, con el cuento del aborto, me hizo vender el triciclo”, responde el infante.

Why are men like diapers? They are always on my ass and full of shit – thank goodness they’re disposable!

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.

No further testing is planned.

Una se�ora estaba dormida, y se mov�a mucho y levantaba la mano, como si estuviera agarrando algo pero no lo alcanzaba, hasta que despierta el marido y ve lo que hace su esposa y le dice:

“Despierta vieja, despierta, qu� te pasa, despierta…”

“�Qu�, qu� pasa?”, dice la esposa…

“No s�, estabas haciendo unas cosas extra�as dormida.”

“Ah, por qu� me despiertas, si estaba so�ando muy bonito, so�aba que estaba en un arbol que ten�a penes colgados y arriba estaba uno muy gradote y lo quer�a alcanzar con la mano pero no lo alcanzaba, por eso hac�a esos movimientos mientras dorm�a.”

“Pero para qu� las andas buscando en los �rboles, si aqu� estoy yo…”

Y se saca la pirinola…

Y dice la esposa:

“�No, como esa hab�a un chingo tiradas ah� abajo!”