Category: other

Back in the Good Old Days, when Dudley Fudpucker was whooping it up in college, he was standing at a bar one evening, when a lady of enticing appearance approached him and suggested that they have a drink.

Dudley said, “Well, I’m no John D. Rockefeller, but I’ll buy.”

After developing a slight buzz, she suggested a dance.

Dudley smiled and said, “I’m no Fred Astaire, but I’ll give it a whirl.”

Later, she suggested that they go up to her room. “I’m no Cary Grant,” replied Dudley, “but I’ll follow you up there.” They leave and go to the lady’s apartment. They have another drink, then do what had been on their minds all evening, anyway.

Afterward, the lady says, “What about some money?”

Dudley shot back, “Well, I’m no gigolo, but I’ll take it!”

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker’s hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says “What’s the matter old man? Didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?”

The old guy says in reply “Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot.
I thought maybe you were my kid. . . “

Esta es la historia de un culo que ya no quer�a ser culo, as� que hablo con el Supremo:

“Ya no quiero ser un culo”, pidi�.

“Pero, �por qu� no quieres ser un culo?”

“Es que soy la cosa m�s miserable del universo; me ultrajan y abusan de m�. No, ya no quiero ser un culo”, se queja.

“Entonces, �qu� quieres ser?”

“Yo quisiera ser un pajarito”.

Y, zas, el Alt�simo lo convierte en p�jaro. Cuando se trepa a una rama de un �rbol, como lo hacen todos los p�jaros, llega otro p�jaro que lo saluda:

“Hola, culito”.

“No soy culito”, reclama.

“Eres un culo”, insiste el ave.

“No, que no soy”.

“Entonces, �qu� eres?

“Pues soy un pajarito”.

“A ver, canta”.

Y comienza a cantar:

“Prprprprprpr”.

St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates for a long time, and it’s
well past time for St. Peter to relieve him, and St. Peter hasn’t come
by, so finally Jesus takes pity on him and takes over. While He’s there,
an old man comes up to the gates.

“Welcome to heaven” says Jesus, “tell me a bit about yourself.”

“Well,” says the old man, “when I was alive, I was a carpenter. I had a
son, and for a while he was a carpenter too, helping about the shop, but he
left home. Made quite a name for himself, for a while, but they killed him…”
Jesus stared searchingly at the old man.

“Father?” he asked.

The old man stared back. “Pinnochio?”

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub
together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just
as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in
each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued
drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it
over the pint, yelling… “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!”

Two nude statues (one male and one female) had been standing in a beautiful park for 99 years.

On their 100th anniversary in the park an angel came down from heaven to talk to the statues.

He said to them, ‘God has been watching you for the past 100 years and has been very pleased with the two of you. So pleased in fact that he has decided to make you human for a short time.’

The angel then went on to say that they would be human for 15 minutes and would finally be able to pleasure themselves in a manner in which they have only fantasized about for the last 100 years.

The statues were so excited they could hardly believe it. The second they became human they ran off together behind the bushes. The angel heard the rustling of the bushes and shouts of joy and laughter.

After 10 minutes the statues returned from behind the bushes sweating and laughing. The angel told the statues that they still had five more minutes.

The male statue quickly turned to the female statue and said:
`Cool, this time, you hold down the pigeon and I’ll shit on its head.’

Un viernes, despu�s del trabajo, una pareja de novios se dio cita en un caf�. Despu�s de haber tomado algunos tragos fueron a cenar y decidieron pasar un rato juntos en un hotel.

�Que pas� entonces en el hotel? Hay dos versiones:

VERSI�N DE LA NOVIA:

“�l estaba de mal humor cuando nos encontramos en el caf�. Pens� que era porque hab�a llegado algo tarde, sin embargo, no me dijo nada al respecto. De mi peinado nuevo (me hab�a cortado tres dedos el pelo y bajado un tono mi tintura habitual) ni un comentario. No le gust�, pens�, pero no le dije nada. Nuestra conversaci�n era lenta y le propuse que era mejor hablar �ntimamente en un restaurante. �l acept�, pero cuando llegamos segu�a muy serio; trat� de hacerlo sonre�r, pero no hubo efecto. Le pregunt� si el problema ven�a de m� y me respondi� que no. En el taxi le dije te amo y �l me tom� la mano solamente mientras miraba hacia fuera. �Dios m�o, qu� le pasa! Ni siquiera me dijo yo tambi�n…

Al llegar al hotel pens� que la cosa empeoraba ya que segu�amos sin hablar. Trat� de preguntarle algo y me respondi�, creo por compromiso, mientras prend�a la tele. Luego se meti� en el ba�o. Un poco enfadada me quite la ropa y me met� en la cama mientras pensaba que quiz� lo mejor hubiese sido ir a mi casa.

Diez minutos despu�s se subi� a la cama y, como lo hab�amos previsto, hicimos el amor, aunque creo que con poca convicci�n. Pocas caricias y pocos besos… �l parec�a en otro mundo y yo no quer�a otra cosa que irme a casa inmediatamente; me intrigaba el saber qu� le estar�a pasando y ya comenzaba a dudar de todo… Tal vez habr�a encontrado otra chica, que s� yo.

Y ahora, estoy aqu� en casa, destruida, tratando de ordenar mis ideas y deseando saber c�mo seguir�n las cosas…

VERSION DEL NOVIO:

D�a dif�cil en el trabajo… �Pero al menos ech� mi polvito!

A couple completed their dinner and the man asked for the check. Thinking to impress his date, he called the waiter over and loudly complained that the bill was incorrect.The waiter patiently reviewed the bill with the man, and it was indeed correct.”Are you trying to make a fool out of me ?” he huffed.”Oh sir… Not in the least… I never interfere with nature.”

one day a man came to a new town, wentto the library and said, “could i havea book on butterflys. i loooove butterflys.”” the librarian screamed “”satan is here! everybody get him!”” so he ran & ran to the mueseum & said “” do you have a butterfly exibit?i loooove butterflys.”” the man says “”satan is here! everybody get him!”” and the man runs and runs. then he goes to a bar & the bartender says “”you look like you got a problem. wanna talk about it?”” the man says “”all day i’v been trying to find stuff about butterflys and everyone calls me satan and chases me away.”” then the man gets chased out into the street and gets hit by a car. what’s the morel of this story? > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > always look both ways before crossing the street. DUH!

“

Q. Did you hear about the dyslexic, athiest, insomniac?

A. He was up all night wondering if there was a dog.

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery. During
one Sunday’s sermon he told them, “If one more person confesses to adultery,
I’ll quit!”

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: “fallen.” >From
then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had “fallen.” This
satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for
years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. “You have to do something about the sidewalks in
this town, Mayor. You can’t believe how many people come into the confessional
talking about having fallen!” The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one
had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor
and said, “I don’t know why you’re laughing; your wife fell three times last
week!”

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come home for a visit as her father was getting frail and elderly.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said, “Hmmm – they seem to be paying secretaries awfully well in London.”

The girl took his hands and said, “Dad – I’ve been meaning to tell you something for years but I didn’t want to put it in a letter. I can’t hide it from you any longer. I’ve become a prostitute.”

Her father gasped, put his hand on his heart and keeled over. The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed and the priest was called.

As the priest began to administer Extreme Unction, with the mother and daughter weeping and wailing, the old man muttered weakly, “I’m a goner – killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what you’ve become!”

“Please forgive me,” his daughter sobbed, “I only wanted to have nice things! I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it was by becoming a prostitute.” Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling. “Did you say prostitute? That was a close one – I thought you said Protestant!”