Category: other

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”, asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!”

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The “disturbance” turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What’s more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.Said the policeman, “I’ll bet that you’re also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini.”The giant nodded.”If I had some chains,” the deputy continued, “you could show us how strong you really are. But all I’ve got is a set of handcuffs. Why don’t you see just how quickly you can break out of them?”Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. “I can’t get out of these,” the giant growled.”Are you sure?” the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. “Nope,” he replied. “I can’t do it.””In that case,” said the deputy, “you’re under arrest.”

A young reporter is out on her first assignment, a full piece story on the local Indian reservation and it’s tribe. The first day the reporter arrives and is greeted by a young Indian with one feather in his headband.

The reporter asks “What is the one feather for?”

The indian replies “One feather for one woman I sleep with.”

“Oh, ok.” replies the reporter, kind of thrown off guard by his response.

The next night at dinner the reporter meets the Chiefs son, who has 20 feathers in his headband, so the reporter asks “What are the 20 feathers for?”

“20 feathers for 20 women I sleep with.” he says.

The reporter replies “Oh, gosh! That’s a lot!”

The chiefs son says “Come, me introduce you to Chief”

So finally, the reporter is introduced to the tribes Chief and the Chief has this long flowing fancy head-dress with feathers down to the floor and dragging behind him.

The reporter must ask: “Chief, what are all the feathers for?”

The Chief says “Each feather for each woman I sleep with.”

“Oh, dear!” says the reporter.

Quickly, the Chief replies, “Deer? Deer no good, ass too high, run through bush too fast!!”

Edited by Curtis and Calamjo

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

‘OK, follow me,’ he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

‘Now, do you see that tree over there?’ he asked.

‘Yes, yes, yes!’ the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

‘Good,’ said the first bat, ‘because I f***ing didn’t!’

There is a class of students waiting for the bell to ring on the
last day of school. They perster thier teacher for them to leave
early… but she denies the request. Finally after much pleading
the teacher decides and says, “If you can give me 3 rhymes I
will let you go home.”

The first kid puts up his hand and says,
“Hi my name is Stan,
and I want to go to Japan
in my dads van
if I can
sometime maybe.”

The teachers applauds and says, “Very well.”

The next kid puts up his hand,
“Hi my name is Dan,
and I want to go to Japan
with Stan
but in my own dad’s van
if I can
sometime maybe.”

The teacher smiles and says that was very clever.

A girl puts her hand up and says,
“Hi my name is Aimee,
and I want to have a baby
if I can
sometime maybe.”

The teacher smiles and says, “Very well you can leave.” But the
class bully is upset he hasnt had a go, and the teacher decides
to let him have his say.

“Hi my name is Buck
and I don’t give a fuck
about Stan or Dan
going to Japan.
And as for Aimee
I am gonna give her the baby
and there’s no fucking maybe.”

A bunch of men in a jail house go to see a conciler together.When they got in the room they were to stand up,tell their name,and repeat what they were in for.
The first man stood up.He said,” My name is Albert and Im in for killing 22 people.”The second stood up and followed suit.This went around the room until they reached the last man.
Slowly he stood up and whispered,”My name is M-M-M-Marvin.”The conciler asked him what he was in for.”Raping dogs,”he said bashfully.
“How low can you get?!” someone shouted.
“Chiwalas,”replied Marvin.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.
A few years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible
problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They
had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no
avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so
many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company
received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an
itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what be wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.

SM: It is not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us.

So the man decided to go after Sister Logical and Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical. Thank Cod you are here. Tell us what happened.

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.

SM: So, what happened? Please tell us.

SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could.

SM: So what happened?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And what else?

SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me.

SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my habit up.

SM: Oh, Sister. What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her habit up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And you thought this was a dirty joke…

Pepe, Juan y Fernando, muy buenos amigos, eran tres estudiantes for�neos que rentaban un departamento cercano a la universidad. Un d�a, Juan y Pepe estaban viendo la TV, cuando suena el tel�fono, y le informan a Pepe que la mam� de Fernando se acaba de morir.

“�En la madre! �Ahora qui�n le da la noticia a este g�ey? �Se va a poner muy mal!”

Pepe se declara negado:

“No, yo no le digo. Yo estoy muy g�ey para esos trotes. Dile t�”.

“No te preocupes, ya ver� como se lo digo suavemente”.

Al rato, llega Fernando:

“�Quihubo, cabrones? �Por qu� esas pinches caras de atropellados?”

“Este… Ven, quiero platicar contigo”, le llama Juan.

“Pues, su�ltala ya”.

“F�jate que estaba pensando: �qu� suceder�a si algo malo nos pasara?”

“N’ombre, no digas eso. �Qu� nos puede pasar?”

“Uno nunca sabe. Dime, �qu� preferir�as: que se muriera tu mam� o que se muriera la m�a?”

“No digas eso, �c�mo que se muera mi mam� o la tuya! Ninguna, no juegues”.

“No, pero �si tu tuvieras que escoger?”

“En ese caso que se muera la tuya”.

“�ndele, cabr�n, por ojete se muri� la tuya”.

Once personas se aferraban a una misma cuerda que colgaba de un helic�ptero, diez hombres y una mujer. La cuerda no era suficientemente gruesa como para soportar el peso de todos, por lo que decidieron que una persona deb�a soltarse. De otro modo, todos caer�an.

No lograban elegir qui�n ser�a esa persona, pero entonces la mujer, con voz firme, anunci� que se ofrec�a voluntariamente para soltarse de la cuerda. Despu�s de todo, dijo, estaba acostumbrada a relegar sus intereses propios, ya que como Madre siempre daba prioridad a los hijos; como esposa, antepon�a los intereses de su marido a los propios, como hija se doblegaba ante su padre, como profesional permit�a que sus jefes obtuvieran el cr�dito por sus logros. Como mujer, dijo alzando la mirada hacia el infinito y poni�ndose una mano sobre el coraz�n, su misi�n en la vida era sacrificarse por los dem�s, sin esperar nada a cambio.

Euf�ricos de emoci�n y orgullo,los hombres rompieron en aplausos…

(Esta historia es para que una mujer tenga un buen motivo para sonre�r hoy… �y siempre!
Tambi�n se la puedes enviar a un hombre y si no la entiende se la explicas m�s tarde…)

a mexican is caught jumping the boarder so the guy says ill be easy on if you can make a sentence using these words you can go free green yellow pink so the mexican says green green green I pink up the phone and say yellow!!!

Una mujer y un hombre se ven envueltos en un aparatoso accidente de tr�nsito. Ambos autos quedaron totalmente destrozados, pero asombrosamente ninguno de ellos sufri� heridas. Despu�s salir a duras penas de sus autos, la mujer exclama:

“�Entonces usted es un hombre, qu� interesante, yo soy una mujer! �Guau! Solo mire nuestros autos, no ha quedado nada de ellos, pero afortunadamente estamos ilesos. Esto debe ser una se�al de Dios para que nos conoci�ramos y vivamos juntos en paz por el resto de nuestros d�as”.

“Estoy completamente de acuerdo con usted: esto debe ser una se�al de Dios”, acepta el tipo.

La mujer contin�a:

“He aqu� otro milagro: mi carro est� completamente destruido pero esta botella de vino no se rompi�. De seguro Dios quiere que nos la bebamos y celebremos nuestra buena suerte”, dicho lo cual le pasa la botella al hombre.

El caballero, asintiendo con la cabeza, abre la botella y le da varios tragos monumentales. Luego se la devuelve a la mujer. La fulana toma la botella e inmediatamente le pone la tapa y se la regresa al tipo. �ste, intrigado, le pregunta:

“�Es que usted no va a beber?”

La mujer, alzando los hombros, se limita a decir:

“No, creo que yo esperar� hasta que llegue la polic�a”.