Category: other

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house, exclaiming,
“Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that’s come off of me fly? I can’t
button me pants.”

“Oh, Angus…I’ve got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if
Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it.”

About 5 minutes later, there’s a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling
and the sound of a body falling down the stairs. Walking back in the door
with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus.

The little lady looks at him and says “My God, what in hell’s name happened
to you? Did you ask her like I told you?”

“Aye,” says Angus. “I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did.
Everything was goin fine, but when she bent doon to bite off the wee
thread, Mr. MacDonald walked in.”

I can only please one person per day. today is not your day. tomorrow is not
looking good either.

i love deadlines. i especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go
flying by.

tell me what you need, and i’ll tell you how to get along without it.

accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days the statue.

needing someone is like needing a parachute. if he isn’t there the first time,
chances are you won’t be needing him again.

i don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

last night i lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and i thought to
myself, where the f*** is the ceiling?

my reality check bounced.

on the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

i don’t suffer from stress. i am a carrier.

you are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste
good with ketchup.

everyone is someone else’s weirdo.

never argue with an idiot. they drag you down to their level then beat you
with experience.

a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.

after any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than
you did before.

the more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

you can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the
pilot announced, “Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a
heavy fog, and it has eliminated all our visibility.”

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one… a retired minister.
“Now, now, keep calm,” he said. “Let’s all bow our heads and pray.”

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray… except one man.

“Why aren’t you bowing your head to pray?” the minister asked.

“I don’t know how to pray,” replied the passenger.

“Well, just do something religious!” instructed the minister.

The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.

A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him there is a guy spitting and cussing.

Sure enough when the cop come up to the guy he spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”

The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing. And then asks him what the problem is.

The man again spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”

The cops again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.

The man replies, “I was thumbing a ride when this guy stops and picked me up. He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.

“As we entered town the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into a alley where again he picks up speed.

“Right in front of us are two 18 wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only 4 feet between them.

“I screamed out ‘We are going to die!’

“Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, ‘If you get us out of this I will suck your dick!'”

Again he spits and tells the cop, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”

Submitted by Greg
Edited by The whole team

As my elderly aunt and uncle strolled downtown one afternoon they run into their old friends. They spend some time discussing this and that when one friend asks my uncle where they has been. “We just left the office of our memory doctor””Memory doctor? What is that all about?””Well” replies my uncle “As you know we are getting up there in age, and our memory just isn’t as sharp as it once was.””Is the doctor effective?””Oh, yes, he’s wonderful.””Really. You know, my memory is not too sharp these days either. Maybe I’ll pay him a visit. Whats his name?””Oh. Uh. Well.” replies my uncle. “Um. You know those things that grow out of the ground?”. “You mean trees?””Kind of, but smaller.””You mean a bush?””Yes, a bush or a plant, but … Um … You know, more colorful.””A flower?”.”Yes. A flower. But it has sharp, pointy, sticky things growing on it.””Thorns?””Yes. Thorns.””Oh!” says the friend “A rose!””Yes, exactly” says my uncle, turning to his wife “Hey Rose, what is the name of our memory doctor?.”

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, “Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

This could get you in trouble…

The following is immoral, stupid, possibly illegal, and perhaps
dangerous. Oh, and its likely to piss some people off as well.
But it is fun to think about though.

//==============================================//

Call 911, tell ”em its an emergency, you’re hungry and try to
order a pizza.

Try to commandeer a police car.

Buy a T-Shirt that says, “Ask me how your wife was.”

Answer your phone, “What the fuck do you want!?”

Call AT&T and ask for rates of three of their competitors.

If you manage to get the rates for three of AT&Ts competitors,
say, “I can top that” then hang up.

If you’re in a place and some GUYS cell phone rings, blurt out,
“Tell your wife I’M unavailable!”

Answer your phone “Who’s your daddy!?”

Try to buy drugs from a police officer.

Next time some one says, “You bet your ass.” Tell ’em you don’t
swing that way

Get a gas can, wash it out really REALLY good, poke a small hole
in the bottom of the can so it will leak. Next Get a really big
cigar, light it, fill the gas can with water and walk down the
street with a lit cigar and a gas can leaking. Hold the cigar in
the same hand as the gas can.

If your really bored and have a lot of money you don’t need (I
could use it!) try to sue Microsoft.

Dress up like a shark and drive around the beach in a jeep.

Buy some condoms and ask the pharmacist if his/her daughter is
home.

Super glue some ones car door shut.

Try to sell some one else’s car that is parked on the side of
the street.

Next time you over hear a conversation and you hear any foul
language, say “Watch your fucking mouth, asshole! the fucking
nerve of some people, Jesus fucking Christ! I’ve never heard so
much fucking profanity in my fucking life, SHIT!”

Sing out loud, Yankee doodle dandy, but change the lyrics to,
“Yank my noodle, Sandy”

Stare at someone until they look back at you. Ask ’em, “What the
fuck are you looking at?”

Wipe your ass with a dollar bill then toss it out onto a busy
side walk. Watch the fun!

Tell all the people on the sales floor of your local K-mart or
what ever, that their vacuums suck.

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

“Really bad,” said the second bee, “the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey

“No problem,” said the first bee, “Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.”

“Thanks for the tip” said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, “How’d it go?”

“Fine,” said the second bee, “It was everything you said it would be.” “Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.

“That’s my yarmulka,” said the second bee, “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3’4″, dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. The voice of the Devil was heard, “Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7′ tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her. The voice of the Devil was heard, “Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!” And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of … Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:”Cindy, you have sinned.”

Performance appraisal terms and their real meanings:

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE:

Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:

Made no major blunders – yet.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY:

Drinks a lot.

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY:

Spouse drinks, too.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:

Still one step ahead of the cops.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:

Opinionated.

QUICK THINKING:

Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.

CAREFUL THINKER:

Won’t make a decision.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:

Conceited.

PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT:

Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.

FORCEFUL:

Argumentative.

AGGRESSIVE:

Obnoxious.

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS:

Gets someone else to do it.

A KEEN ANALYST:

Thoroughly confused.

EXPRESS THEMSELVES WELL:

Speak English.

CONSCIENTIOUS:

Scared.

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL:

A nit picker.

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES:

Is tall or has a loud voice.

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT:

Lucky.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:

Knows a lot of dirty jokes.

STRONG PRINCIPLES:

Stubborn.

CAREER MINDED:

Back Stabber.

COMING ALONG WELL:

About to be let go.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:

Gets to work on time.

RELAXED ATTITUDE:

Sleeps at desk.

EXPERIENCED PROBLEM SOLVER:

Screws up often.

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY:

Too ugly to get a date.

INDEPENDENT WORKER:

Nobody knows what he/she does all day.

FORWARD THINKING:

Procrastinator.

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS:

Able to BS well.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:

Spends lots of time on phone.

LOYAL:

Can’t get a job anywhere else.

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

“Well, now,” says the old lady, “I guess I would like to be really rich. “

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. “And, gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being a young, beautiful princess.”

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. “Your third wish?” asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman’s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

“Ooh-can you change him into a handsome prince?” she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: “Bet you’re sorry you had me neutered.”

Why is Stevie Wonder always Smiling?

Because he doesn’t know he’s black