Category: other

This man went into a night-club and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by her self at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said “Your really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?” The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, “You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?””Well, I’ve got a hard on, but I didn’t think you could smell it,” the guy replied.

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your tissue to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”

4. Whistle the first seven notes of ‘It’s a Small World’ incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, crash from side to side as if you’re on rough seas.

7. Shave. (Especially if you’re a woman.)

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask: “Got enough air in there?”

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you, “Admiral”.

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, “I’ve got new socks on!”

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, “Oh, not now. Damn motion sickness!”

19. Give religious literature to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go,” then sigh and say, “oops!”

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing, “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler, “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say “Mmmm…tasty!”

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and make it talk to the other passengers.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, “Ding!” at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, “I wonder what all these do,” and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space”.

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, “Bad touch!”

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Entra un sordomudo en una tienda de confecci�n para comprar unas bragas para su mujer, y el dependiente le pregunta:

“�Qu� desea?”

El sordomudo le escribe en un papel: “Unas bragas para mi mujer”.

El dependiente le escribe: “�Blancas?”

El sordomundo le responde con la cabeza que no.

Le vuelve a escribir: “�Rojas?”

El sordomudo le contesta lo mismo. Y as� con varios colores hasta que el dependiente le dice:

“�Qu� color quiere?”

El sordomudo le escribe en el papel: “Transparentes”.

El dependiente le pregunta intrigado: “Transparentes, �por qu�?”

Y el sordomudo le escribe:

“Es que as� le puedo leer los labios cuando ella me lo pide.”

Why do Canadians always do it doggie-style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. “A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. “A priest, please” the dying man says again.Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age. “Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.” The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice: “J-2. I-1. O-27. F-34. I-12. . .”

Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn’t have that “spark” anymore, and sex was practically non existent. He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, “Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it’s romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick.” Leroy said “Romance, that romance shit don’t work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can’t be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots.” Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said ” OK, bro, I’ll give it try. What should I do?” Jack said, “You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them.” Leroy says “Give me an example.” Jack thinks a moment and says, “Well, here’s one that worked really well for me: “Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let’s make sweet love.” Leroy says “OK, that sounds easy, I’ll give it a try.” The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy’s head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says “What happened to you?” Leroy replies “I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that’s what happened!” “What did you do? “Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry.” “And it didn’t work?” “Hell, no it didn’t work… look at me. She beat the shit outta me.” Jack says “I just don’t understand…Let’s hear your poem.” Leroy replies: “Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog.”

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented “These are very good! You must have a good camera.”

He didn’t make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said “That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots.”

A man noted for his tact was awakened one morning at 4 a.m by his ringing telephone.

“Your dog’s barking, and it’s keeping me awake,” said an irritated voice.

The man thanked the caller, and politely asked his name before hanging up.

The next morning at 4 a.m he called his neighbor back.

“Sir,” he said, “I don’t have a dog.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you don’t eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and no part of one’s personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories — the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Food that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Anything consumed while standing over the kitchen sink, has no calories.

Welcome to the Psychiatiric HotLine

If you are obsessive-compulsive…… Press 1 Repeatedly

If you are co-dependent……..
Ask someone to Press 2

If you have multiple personalities…… Press 3,4 and 5

If you are paranoid-delusional…….
We know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are manic-depressive……….
It doesn’t matter which number you press No one will answer.

Listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to Press.

Thank You for Calling & Have a Nice Day!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”The second said, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”The third said, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded.”The fourth one said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They’re heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”