Q: What’s the difference between a rectal and oral thermometer?
A: The taste.
Author: admin
Mama joke
your mamas so stupid she made fun of you and told you mama jokes!
fucking duck
there was this rich guy
he had 3 sons
he give some golden ducks to each of them
he give the older son 3 ducks
he give the second oldest son 2 ducks
and he give the youngest son 1 duck
he said “take these ducks out in to the world and see what you
can do
the oldest son invested his money.
the second oldest put it in the bank.
the youngest son went out and found this ho and said I’ll give
you this duck if you fuck me and she said okay.
so they did and she thought he was so good she said I’ll give
you this duck back if you fuck me again so they did
when they finsh the boy left andsaw his shoe was untied so he
put the duck down and tied it.
while he did that a car ran over his duck and gave him 50$ for
his duck and left because he was in a hurry. when he got home
his dad said what did you do with your life and he said
“I got a duck for a fuck
a fuck for a duck and
fifty bucks for a fucked up duck.
Yo mama is so ugly
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Guiness a real drink
At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day’s conferencing.Bruce, the boss of Fosters, shouted to the barman, ‘in ‘Strailya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.’Rob, chief of Budweiser, calls out, ‘In the States, we brew the finest beers of the world, and I make the king of them all. Give me a pint of Bud.’Hans steps up next, ‘In Germany we invented beer. Give me a Weisen, the real king of beers.’Up steps Dutchman Jan, chief executive of Grolsch, who states that Grolsch is the ultimate beer and asks for one with two fingers of head on top.Patrick, the CEO of Guinness, steps forward. ‘Barman, give me a coke with ice please.’The other four stare at him in stunned silence with amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, ‘Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?’Patrick replies, ‘Well, if you bastards aren’t drinking, then neither am I’
Bad pickup lines
If those old pickup lines aren’t working for you like “did it
hurt, (she says) what. When you fell from heaven. Then read
these pickup lines I guarantee at least one will work for you.
1.Are my undies showing? [“No.”] “Would you like them to?”
2.Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?
3.Can I borrow a quarter? “What for?” I want to call your mother
and thank her.
4.Congratulations! You’ve been voted “Most Beautiful Girl In
This Room” and the grand prize is a night with me!
5.Damn, I thought “very-fine” only came in a bottle!
6.Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
7.Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write
down my number?
8.Do you know the essential difference between sex and
conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
9.Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual
friend who could introduce us.
10.For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
11.Gee, for a fat girl you sure don?t sweat much.
12.Have you heard the latest piece of medical knowledge saying
that Sex is a real killer? Do you want to die happy?
13.Hi, are you here to meet a nice man or will I do?
14.Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me
down; go ahead say no.
15. Hi, I’ve been undressing you with my eyes all night long,
and think it’s time to see if I’m right.
16.Hi. You’ll do.
17.How do you like your eggs cooked? [Why?] Well I just wanted
know what to make for you in the morning!
18.I don’t know what you think of me, but I hope it’s X-rated.
19.I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away!
20.I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you
are!!
21.I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
22.I seemed to have lost my way, would you mind taking me with
you.
23.I lost my number can I have yours.
24.I was going to tell you a joke that’ll make your tits fall
off. But it looks like somebody beat me to it.
25.I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you
are?
26.If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.
27.If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it
against me?
28.If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
29.I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your
apartment?
30.I’m the kind of man who deserves to have women I don’t
deserve.
Era un m�dico que no
Era un m�dico que no trataba muy bien a sus pacientes, ya que los remedios que daba no eran muy buenos; un d�a Juan, Luis y Jorge traman un plan. El plan consist�a en decirle al doctor que sufr�an una enfermedad muy extra�a para que el doctor no pudiera dar ning�n remedio.
Ese d�a entr� primero Luis y el doctor le pregunt�:
“�Qu� le pasa a usted?”
“Pues es muy extra�o, si como ensalada cago la ensalada intacta; si como arroz tambi�n lo cago igualito que cuando me lo com�”.
“Pues coma mierda para que cague mierda”.
Y Luis se fue furioso; luego entr� Juan y dijo:
“Doctor, tengo un dolor de cabeza a veces s�, a veces no, a veces s�, a veces no”.
“Pues aqu� tiene estas pastillas, t�meselas a veces s�, a veces no, a veces s�, a veces no”.
Y Juan se fue furioso. Entr� Jorge y dijo:
“Doctor, tengo algo adentro que me sube y me baja”.
“Eso es un peo indeciso”.
“�C�mo es eso?”
“�Bueno, que con la cara de culo que tienes no halla si salir por abajo o por arriba!”
Like Woman?
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”
“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”
“Yeah, my wife…”
Constipated Construction
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I’m constipated.”
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.”
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, “Doc, I feel great. What should I do?”
The doctor says, “Stop wiping with cement bags.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Doughnut!Doughnut who!Doughnut open
Knock KnockWho’s there?Doughnut!Doughnut who!Doughnut open until Christmas!
Knock Knock 68
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frances!
Frances who?
Frances hello!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Francie!
Francie who?
Francie that!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Francis!
Francis who?
Francis on the other side of the Channel!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frank!
Frank who?
Franks and beans!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Franz!
Franz who?
Franz, Romans, Countryman…!
Grandma’s strudel
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.
The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks:
“I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s strudel.”
“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.”
“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?” the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. “Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries?
“I’m very sorry,grandfather, she says you can’t have any, it’s for the funeral!”