Your grandna so old her socailsecuity number is one
Author: admin
Being old…
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments.”My arm is so weak I can hardly hold this coffee cup.””Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t see to pour the coffee.””I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck.””My blood pressure pills make my dizzy.””I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old.””Well, it’s not all bad. We should be thankful that we can still drive!”
Impaired vision
A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him, “When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can’t see a thing.”
“Hmmm…that’s an interesting optical reaction to sex,” said the researcher. “Would you mind if I had a look at it?”
So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Tiger Woods vs. Stevie Wonder!
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he’s too polite to say anything.
“When I tee off, ” the singer explains, “I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.”
Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round.
When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, “How about if we play for $100,000?”
Tiger insists he couldn’t possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.
But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says, “OK, it’s your money… when do you want to play?”
Stevie replies, “I’ll play on any NIGHT you choose!”
BRUNETTE
Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE STANDING ON HER HEAD? A. A BRUNETTE WITH BAD BREATH.
Hey, hey, hey
you might be a redneck if you have sex with your wife.
and your wife is your sister!!!!! 😉
Aliens
On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.
March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.
That clears up a lot of things.
During a propaganda tour
During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his
Politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands Up and
tells him “Mr. President, I got 3 questions:”
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you Still
won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don’t you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
attack of all times?
Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the
room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey
stands up and tells him “Mr. President, I got 5 questions:”
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you Still
won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Don’t you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist
Attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Where’s Bobby?
All You Can Drink
A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, “I know it’s none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole “drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one” routine?””Well,” slurred the man, “There’s a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it’s time for me to go home.”
When you leave your house,
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.You have a house that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.You gene pool doesn’t have a “deep end.”
Protestant to Catholic conversion.
A protestant moved into a completely Catholic community. Being good Catholics they welcomed him into their community. But, also because they were good Catholics they did not eat red meat on Fridays. So, when their neighbor began barbequeing some juicy steak on Friday night, they began to squirm.
They were so annoyed that they went to talk to him about it. After much talk they conviced him to become Catholic. The next Sunday he went to the priest and the priest sprinkled holy water on him and said:
You were born Protestant.
You were raised Protestant.
But now you are Catholic!
And so, the next Friday, as the neighbors sat down to eat their fish, they were disturbed by the smell of roast beef coming from the neighboring house. They went over to talk to the new Catholic because he knew he was not supposed to eat beef on Fridays. When they saw him, he was sprinkling ketchup on the beef saying:
You were born a cow.
You were raised a cow.
But now you are fish!
Birth Defect?
A woman is resting after giving birth to her baby. The doctor comes in to her room, and he says, “I have something to tell you about your baby.”The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?”The doctor says, “Well now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”The woman says, “A hermaphrodite…. what’s that?”The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the… er… features…of a male and a female.”The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis, and… a brain?!”