Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
Author: admin
Le pregunta el nieto a
Le pregunta el nieto a su abuelo:
“Abuelo, �no habr�s visto unas pastillitas blancas que yo ten�a por aqu�?”
“No, hijo m�o, y t�, �has visto el drag�n del pasillo?”
Dictionary for women
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Be smart drink more
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace.
Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
Corny joke
One day this blonde calls her friend and says,
‘Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t even figure out how to start it.’
Her friend asks, ‘What is it a puzzle of?’
The blonde says, ‘From the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.’
Well, the friend figures that he’s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the pieces spread all over the table.
He studies them for a moment, then studies the box.
He turns to her and says, ‘Well, no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.’
She asks, ‘Oh, how come?’
He says, ‘Look, never mind, let’s just relax, have a cup of coffee and we’ll put all these cornflakes back in the box.’
Points of View
A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then went to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he’s STILL acting a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I’m not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I’m wondering if he’s going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I’m going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else???
His story: $hitty day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got laid though.
Computer gender war!
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
New Intern
Two lawyers Joe and Tom were talking one day. Joe said, “Last
night I took the new intern out, we had dinner and then I took
her home and we had sex. I’m glad we did cause she is a lot
better than my wife.”
The next day Tom said to Joe, “You know what? Last night I took
the new intern out. We had dinner then we went to my house and
we had sex. I disagree with you, your wife is a lot better.”
Brainless Sports Quotes
Who says athletes aren’t as intelligent as rocket scientists?
1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”
1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
1982 Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.”
1976 Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: “Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it.”
1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?”
1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time.”
1966 Red Auerbach, the Boston Celtics’ general manager, asked if he had any criticism of Bill Russell’s coaching: “He has the players too happy.”
1971 Mike Lucci, Detroit Lion linebacker, on his three key interceptions against the Chicago Bears: “Yeah, they gave me the game ball. If they hadn’t given it to me, I would have taken it anyway.”
1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.”
1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.”
1991 Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.”
1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: “They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free.”
1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.”
1991 Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son’s reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: “He said: ‘Gosh, Dad, that mean’s we’re not going to any more bowl games.'”
1986 LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: “They can’t fire me because my family buys too many tickets.”
1981 Dorothy Shula, on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami Dolphins’ coach: “I’m fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral.”
1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: “We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity.”
1971 Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: “They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its night life, San Diego’s sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi.”
1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn’t use a lonely end: “We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown.”
1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: “It wasn’t as easy as you think. It’s hard to stay awake that long.”
1991 Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'”
1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: “Rapport? You mean like, ‘You run as fast as you can, and I’ll throw it as far as I can?'”
1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA’s Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name: “Tom.”
1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: “You mean in the state?”
A low voter
“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.”
…George W. Bush
Una t�a muy buena estaba
Una t�a muy buena estaba en un bar tomando una Heineken.
El camarero no paraba de mirarle las piernas, y pensaba, “Qu� buena est�. Me la tengo que tirar.” As� que le hecha una pastilla para dormir en la cerveza.
Cuando la chica se duerme se la lleva al almac�n y se la tira. Luego le llama un taxi, y la manda a casa.
El taxista no dejaba de mirar para atras y dec�a, “Joder, qu� buena est�. No creo que se entere si…” El taxista para en un descampado y se la tira. Luego la lleva a casa y cuando entra el el portal la ve el portero y le dice:
“�Qu� le ha pasado?”
“Ha bebido demasiado y la traigo a casa.”
“Tranquilo, ya la subo yo a su piso.”
El portero coge a la chica y piensa, “Joder, qu� buena est�. Seguro que no se entera si…”
y la mete en la porter�a y se la tira. Luego la sube a su piso y se encuentra con el vecino de la chica.
“�Qu� le ha pasado a Pilar?”
“Ha bebido demasiado y la han traido a casa.”
“Tranquilo. Ya me ocupo yo de acomodarla en su piso.”
El vecino ya llevaba tiempo detras de la chica y piensa, “Esta es la m�a. Seguro que no se entera si…” y la mete en su casa y se la tira.
Al d�a siguiente la chica vuelve al bar, y le dice al camarero, “Ponme algo de beber, anda.”
“�Una Heineken como siempre?”
“�No deja, que me da un dolor de co�o!”
The devil meets the golfer
The Devil Meets The Golfer:
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of
strokes. The golfer says to himself: “I’d give anything to sink this next putt.”
A stranger walks up to him and whispers: “Would you give up a fourth of your sex
life?” The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the
right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says,”OK.” And sinks the
putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself: “Boy, if I could only get an eagle on
this hole.” The same stranger moves to his side and says, “Would it be worth
another fourth of your sex life?” The golfer shrugs and says, “Sure.” And he
makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he
says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, “Would you be willing to
give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?” The golfer says,
“Certainly.” And makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the
stranger walks alongside and says, “You know, I’ve really not been fair with you
because you don’t know who I am. I’m the Devil, and from now on you will have no
sex life.” “Nice to meet you,” says the golfer. “My name’s Father O’Malley!”