Definitivamente no hay derecho a

Definitivamente no hay derecho a tanto sufrimiento: �EXIGIMOS EL D�A DEL HOMBRE!

�Qui�n es el �nico que se atreve a comerse todo lo que le sirvan (o se le atreviese) sin chistar?: El abnegado hombre.

�Qui�n levanta los pies cuando est�n haciendo aseo?: El considerado hombre.

�Qui�n es el que va vestido de negro al matrimonio?: El est�pido hombre.

�Qui�n es el que se expone a una laringitis aguda por estar gritando cada vez que llega a la casa?: El dulce hombre.

�Qui�n es el que se expone a una �lcera de la rabia, cuando al llegar a casa no encuentra el aseo hecho, la comida caliente, los ni�os cambiados, la ropa lavada y planchada, la cocina limpia, los recibos de los servicios en la mesa y, encima, encuentra a la mujer en rulos?: El incomprendido hombre.

�Qui�n es el que se lastima los nudillos cada vez que reprende a la esposa?: El tierno hombre.

�A qui�n es al que le toca exponerse a que lo roben o apu�alen en un bar de mala muerte y amanecer en un duro anden, cada vez que sale a esas sanas reuniones nocturnas con sus amigos, mientras la otra est� dormidota en la camita bajo techo?: Al desprotegido hombre.

�Qui�n es el que, a pesar del cansancio y el estr�s, jam�s podr� fingir un orgasmo?: El sincero hombre.

�A qui�n le toca trabajar para pagar un mont�n de plata del recibo de la luz, porque la desconsiderada de la casa no hace sino planchar, aspirar, brillar y lavar, por lo menos nueve horas diarias?: Al paganini del hombre.

�Qui�n tiene que matar las cucarachas y ratones de la casa porque a la Alteza le da pavor?: El valiente hombre.

�A qui�n es al que se la montan cuando llega con colorete en la camisa?: Al incomprendido hombre (�acaso uno no puede tener un amigo que trabaje de payaso?).

�Qui�n manda en la casa?: La suegra, la mujer, los cu�ados, la empleada, el perro y hasta la vecina del abrumado hombre.

�Qui�nes tienen que aguantarse las ganas de llorar?: Nosotros los machos no lloramos.

�Qui�n es el que tiene que gastar considerables sumas de dinero en regalos para el d�a de la madre, la mujer, la secretaria, la amistad, san Valent�n, Navidad, cumplea�os, aniversarios y dem�s fiestas inventadas por el hombre para satisfacer a la mujer?: Adivinen…

�Qui�n nunca lleva la contraria, jam�s pide que le repitan una pregunta, y se viste en menos de diez minutos?: El �gil hombre.

�Qui�n llega inocente y puro al matrimonio?: Sin duda alguna, el hombre (nadie comete matrimonio con conocimiento de causa).

�Qui�nes est�n leyendo esto a escondidas para poderse re�r, ya que si son sorprendidos se exponen a un severo garrotazo?: Los cohibidos hombres.

�Qui�n jam�s podr� decir una mentira?: Los sinceros hombres (somos inocentes hasta que se nos demuestre lo contrario).

�Qui�n tiene que aguantarse las t�picas escenitas de: �Ya no eres el mismo! �No me vas a salir esta noche con que est�s cansado? �Ese pelo no es m�o! �Me voy para donde mi mam�!?: El resignado hombre.

La lista de razones que ratifican el derecho del hombre a tener un d�a especial para �l (diferente al d�a del trabajo), es infinita.

I Need a Drink

Woman walks into a bar . . . totally nude and asks the barkeep if he can serve her a drink.
He looks her up and down and says, “Well sure, but it doesn’t appear by the your appearance that you’ll be able to pay for it.”

The woman throws one leg up on a bar stool and shows what she’s got, “Will this do?” she asks.

The barkeep takes a look and responds, “Ya got anything smaller?”

Christmas Fruitcake Recipe

Items Needed:————-4 Oz. Fruit Bits1 Railroad TieWood SawLarge Rubber MallotSafety GogglesWEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don’t be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can’t break anything.For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).Finally, cover it tightly in platic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!

Little Johnny goes to church

Monday morning little Johnny came to school with a black eye.
His friends ask him what happened. He tells them, “I was in church yesterday,
when a big fat lady sat in front of me.
When we got up to sing, I noticed she had huge wedgies. I couldn�t stand it
anymore, so I pulled it out, and she decked me”.
The following Monday, little Johnny came to school with 2 black eyes. His
friends once again asked what happened. He told them,”I was in church yesterday,
when the same fat lady came and sat in front of me. When we got up to sing, she
once again had the huge
wedgies. The guy next to me pulled it out, but I knew she didn�t like it out,
so I pushed it back in…”

Mars and Venus

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words “I do”.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT??” So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I’m thinking, “What was her first clue?”

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store… I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you …she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, “I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now.” You should have seen her face … it went completely blank. I then said, “Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man.”

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.