why dont polar bears eat penguins? because they cant take the wrapper off
Author: admin
Un tipo y una chica
Un tipo y una chica se conocieron, se enamoraron a primera vista y se casaron al d�a siguiente sin haberse siquiera besado. Desp�es de la boda, �l despert� y le pregunt� a su nueva esposa, “�Qu� hay para desayunar, querida?”
Ella respondi�, “Tienes tu desayuno justo frente a ti.”
As� que �l le hizo el amor de inmediato y luego se fue a trabajar. De regreso, le pregunt� a su esposa, “Querida, �qu� tienes para comer?”
Ella le respondi�, “Tienes tu comida justo frente a ti.” Y el le hizo el amor otra vez.
El tipo regres� a su trabajo y en la tarde sent�a que se mor�a de hambre. Regres� a su casa de prisa y al abrir la puerta vio a su mujer subiendo a toda carrera las escaleras y desliz�ndose por el pasamanos, una y otra vez…
Finalmente le pregunt�, “�Qu� demonios se supone que est�s haciendo?”
Y ella le respondi�, “Estoy calent�ndote la cena, querido…”
Three prostitutes — a mother,
Three prostitutes — a mother, daughter and grandmother — lived together.
One night the daughter came home looking very down.
“How did you do tonight, dear?” asked her mother.
“Not too good. I got only 20 dollars for a blow job.”
“Wow!” said the mother. “In my day we gave a blow job for 5 dollars.”
“Good God!” said Grandma. “In my day we were just happy to get something
warm in our stomachs!”
Animal Wackiness
What’s the easiest way to put a giraffe in a fridge?
By opening the door and putting it in.
How To Tell If You Work In An Emergency Room….
1. You believe that 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
2. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
3. You believe that a good tape job will fix anything.
4. You have the bladder capacity of five people.
5. You can identify the “positive teeth to tattoo” ratio.
6. Your idea of a good time is a full code at shift change.
7. You find humor in other people’s stupidity
8. You believe in the aerial spraying of prozac.
9. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
10. You have your weekends off planned for a year.
11. When a pt. presents with a list of 30 allergies to meds you automatically think they are a drug seeker or a pt. of Dr. Solotkin.
12. Your idea of comforting a child is to place him in a papoose restraint.
13. You encourage an obnoxious pt. to sign out AMA just so you don’t have to deal with them anymore.
14. You believe that “shallow gene pool” should be a diagnosis.
15. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
16. You plan what you’re going to prepare for dinner while performing gastric lavage.
17. You believe that “ask-a-nurse” is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
18. You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy it sure is quiet around here.”
19. Your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than most computers.
20. You refer to Friday as “dump day”.
21. You believe chocolate is a food group.
22. When someone calls you a bitch and you take it as a compliment.
23. When you are out in public you complement a complete stranger on their “Great Veins.”
24. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a transfer to the “Eternal Care facility”
25. You don’t think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
26. You have ever referred to someone’s death as a celestial transfer.
27. You ever answered a “lost condom” phone call.
28. When you refer to a pt. in respiratory distress as a “smurf”
29. Your idea of a really good time is duelling shock rooms.
30. You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled “Suicide…getting it right the first time.”
31. You believe that “too stupid to live” should be a diagnosis.
32. You have ever had to leave a pt’s room before you begin laughing uncontrollably.
33. You have ever wanted to reply “yes” when someone calls asking, “Is my Mother (father, etc.) there?
34. You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER.
35. You have ever issued a “dead head alert”.
36. You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a “Shit magnet”.
37. Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion.
38. You think caffeine should be available in IV form.
39. You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience.
40. The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is “What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?”
41. You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, “Who’s in charge of this mess anyway?”
42. When you mention vegetables you’re not referring to the food group.
43. You have used the words “healthcare reform” to strike fear in your co-worker’s hearts.
44. You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick.
45. You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips.
46. You believe a “supreme being consult” is your pts only hope.
47. You want to order a “dumbshit profile”.
48. You are totally astounded when someone from lab speaks English.
49. You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say , “No I don’t worry about birth control… I’ve been irradiated.”
50. You believe that your patient is demonically possessed.
51. Your patient states, ” I have no idea how that got stuck in there.”
Infant weight
At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant’s weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first. ‘It won’t work,’ Judi countered. ‘I’m not the mother, I’m the aunt.’
UNIX Man (to ‘Nowhere Man’)
A Beatle’s Computer ParodyUnix Man——–He’s a real UNIX ManSitting in his UNIX LANMaking all his UNIX .plansFor nobody.Knows the blocksize from du(1)Cares not where /dev/null goes to Isn’t he a bit like youAnd me?UNIX Man, please listen(2)My lpd(8) is missin’UNIX ManThe wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command. He’s as wise as he can beUses lex and yacc and CUNIX Man, can you help meAt all?UNIX Man, don’t worryTest with time(1), don’t hurry UNIX ManThe new kernel boots, just like you had planned. He’s a real UNIX ManSitting in his UNIX LANMaking all his UNIX .plansFor nobody …Making all his UNIX .plansFor nobody.
Elephant Riddles One
Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
A: Sir.
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can’t hear you.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: What’s grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn’t fall in the hot chocolate.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t, you get down from a duck.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: What’s grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
Q: What’s grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell’s Cream of Elephant soup.
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
Blonde Looking for a Job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled
the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column:
SALARY EXPECTED.
”Yes.”
Grannies
what has got 100 balls and screws old ladies?
BINGO
Top 47 Reasons for women NOT To Have Sex
1. The pitter patter of little feet
2. Never let ’em see you sweat
3. Your parents might realise that you’re not 12 years old anymore
4. Naked men
5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT
6. You might like it
7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas
8. Paying back oral sex debts
9. Only pagans procreate
10. Castration
11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love
12. Body hair
13. Too many lights on in the room
14. Your roommate and neighbours can’t sleep with all that screaming
15. Axl Rose
16. Since that nasty little Gulf War, there’s no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases
17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album
18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law
19. Utah Abortion Law
20. Alabama Abortion Law
21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit
22. Yeast infections
23. Too sticky
24. Messes up your hair
25. Charley-horses
26. Bladder infections
27. Cher
28. “It’s only a cold sore”
29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it’s not private)
30. Hetero men who ask, “Did you come yet?”
31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot
32. Taking off the jimmy-hat
33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks
34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation
35. Smegma
36. You still live with your parents
37. You love her but you’re not *in love* with her
38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body
39. Drooling
40. Letters to the Editor
41. Calling out the wrong name
42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you’re a Kennedy)
43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00
44. No one to have sex with
45. Carpet burn
46. Any offspring resultant from sex may end up looking like you!
47. Worse than No.46.. they could end up looking like him!
What is the thinnest book in the world?…
What is the thinnest book in the world?
– What Men Know About Women.