What’s the difference between Mark McGwire and Bill Clinton?
Clinton only made it to third base
Author: admin
MICHAL JACKSON BURN DAWG
what does michael jackson have in common with k-mart …. they both have little boys pants half off
Men Are Like Cats
When Cats Are Like Men * They are independent. * They don’t listen. * They don’t come in when you call. * They like to stay out all night. * They like to watch things move.* They like to catch prey.* They like to play.* They treat you well when you feed them.* When you’re trying to get things done, they want your attention. * When they’re at home, they like to be left alone and sleep!
Do We Really Need Taxes?
The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words.
However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today. There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.
Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print. The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year.
Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth. Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.
American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.
The IRS employs 114,000 people; that’s twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.
60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.
Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family’s income; that’s more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.
Buying a TV
A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a tv. After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman.”I want to buy this television,” she says. The salesman replies, “Sorry, we don’t serve blondes here.”She gets mad, leaves and goes home. She dyes her hair brown and returns to the store.”I want to buy this television.”she says to the salesman, getting the same response: “Sorry miss, we don’t serve blondes here.”She leaves again, frustrated.She goes home and proceeds to shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of blonde hair on her head. Upon returning to the store, she once again approaches the salesman.”Sir, I would like to purchase this television, and I don’t want any problems.”To which the salesman replies, “Sorry Miss, we don’t serve blondes.”Fed up with this, she cries, “How can you tell that I am blonde? I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!” To which the salesman replied, “Well, Miss, that television you are trying to buy is a microwave!”
30 years on
A couple gets married, and thirty years later they’re in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.
Her husband starts to cry.
She says, “What’s the matter?”
He says, “Thirty years ago I couldn’t wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can’t wait to eat me.”
English is very strange
Did you know that “verb” is a noun? How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them? If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know? If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them? In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same? Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable? Is there another word for a synonym? Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”? What is another word for “thesaurus”? Where do swear words come from? Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why do people use the word “irregardless”? Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?” Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works? Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together? Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof? Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is? Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”? Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment? Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is dyslexic so hard to spell? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese? Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards? Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
U.S. State Mottos
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave
Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure
Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes… And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very
Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An
Attorney….
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl… It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Si’ Hablo Ing’les
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family… Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men… and the sheep are scared
Proud Of Daddy
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations…
- Murphy’s Laws of Combat Operations
- If your ambush is properly set, the enemy won’t walk
into it.
Football try-outs.
Q: Why didn’t the monster make the football team?
A: Because he threw like a ghoul!
Some Boeing employees recently “liberated”
Some Boeing employees recently “liberated” a life raft from one of the
747s on the company’s production line. Later, they took it for a float
on the Stilliguamish river. Imagine their surprise when a Coast Guard
helicopter “rescued” them after homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated. Not surprisingly, they no
longer work at Boeing.