Author: admin

Priestly Wishes

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Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for a week but you can’t go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?”The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring high above the Rocky Mountains.””So be it,” said St. Peter, and “POOF,” the first priest is gone.The second Priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this new action on Earth ‘count’ on my Heavenly tally?””No, son, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing this time around.””In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud!””So be it,” said St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any difficulty locating them?” He asks.”The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles but the second one could prove to be more difficult.””Why?” asks the Lord.”Near as I can tell, he’s on a snow tire, somewhere in a North Dakota blizzard.”

Keeping track with soybeans

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A woman was going through her husband’s desk rawer and discovered three
soybeans in an envelope containing 30 dollars cash. So him about it.
And the husband said, “Well, I have to confess. Over the years, I haven’t been
completely faithful to you. But every time I cheated, I put a soybean in the
drawer to remind myself.” � So where did the thirty dollars come from?” she
asked.
“Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I decided to sell.”

Ever Growing Penis

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When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient’s wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

“How long will he be on crutches?” she asked.

“Crutches???” the doctor asked.

“Well, yes,” the woman said “You are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

Santa visit

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It is around Christmas time and Santa is sitting in the middle of the mall in his big holiday setup.

He has a line of kids lined up to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas.

As the line dwindles down, a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on his lap.

Santa says to the little boy,”I bet I know what you want for Christmas,”you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y”, touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word.

The little boy responds, “Nope”.

So Santa again says, “Then I bet you want a bike, B-I-K-E”, as he again touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger.

The little boy again said, “Nope”.

Well Santa’s starting to get a little pissed off. He thinks to himself that he’ll try one more time.

He says to the little boy, “I bet you want a fire engine, F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E”, once again touching the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of the word.

Where to the little responds”Nope”.

At this time he’s really pissed off. So he says to the little boy, “Then what the fuck do you want for Christmas?”

The little boy then looked at Santa and said, “I want some pussy, P-U-S-S-Y, and don’t fucking tell me that you can’t give me any because I can smell it on your finger!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Bad Writers

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The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the worst possible opening line of a book. This has been so successful that Penguin now publishes five books worth of entries. Some recent winners:10) ‘As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it.’9) ‘Just beyond the Narrows the river widens.’8) ‘With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied description.’7) ‘Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept along the east wall: ‘Andre creep… Andre creep… Andre creep.’6) ‘Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he loved.’5) ‘Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from seeking out a living at a local pet store.’4) ‘Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins often do.’3) ‘Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor.’2) ‘Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear,’ a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death — in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies.AND THE BEST OF ALL:1) ‘The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog’s deception, screaming madly, ‘You lied!’