Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Author: admin
Give Bubba a Chance
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won’t be able to graduate tonight.”Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox’s football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn’t going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, “Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!”Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a “One Question” math test and if he passes, he can graduate.The question is, “What is 2 plus 3?” Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, “I have it! The answer is 5!”There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, “Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!”
Shoot The Pig
A farmhand is driving round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, “Boss, I’ve got a problem! I hit a pig on the road and he’s stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He’s still wriggling � what should I do?” “In the back of your truck there’s a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it into the bushes.”The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.”Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it into the bushes.””So what’s the problem now?” his Boss snapped. “The blue light on his bike is still flashing!”
Cigars and Old Age
THE SECRET TO OLD AGE A woman celebrates her 90th birthday with a huge gala in the village. Everybody is there – the mayor, the police chief… and a reporter from the local newspaper. The reporter asks, for the record, to what does she ascribe such a long life? She tells about a great many things, including the 3 beers and 2 cigars she has each day. Looking him level in they eye, she says evenly: ‘Never forget a healty and active sex life keeps your circulation going.’ The reporter is rather curious at such a declaration , and asks deferentially: ‘So when was the last time you made love, Mam ?’ ‘Well, let me think – made love – the last time I did that was around 1945.’ ‘Whoah,’ he says, ‘that’s a helluva long time ago!’ ‘You think so ?’ the woman replies and checks her watch. ‘But it’s only 20:15 now, barely half an hour later.’
Refrigerator Evidence
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Yo mama has
Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper.
Family Business
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”
The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”
Dizzy
I had to stop driving my car for a while… The tires got dizzy.
Gems of Wisdom
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
As one teacher noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”
“When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”
“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”
“To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.”
“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”
“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose.”
“The parts of speech are lungs and air.”
“The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.”
“A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.”
“A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.”
“The general direction of the Alps is straight up.”
“A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.”
“Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.”
“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.”
“The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.”
“We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.”
“One of the main causes of dust is janitors.”
“A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.”
“The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.”
“The climate is hottest next to the Creator.”
“Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.”
“The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.”
“In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.”
“Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.”
“In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.”
“One by-product of raising cattle is calves.”
“Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.”
You may be a submiss
If you hear the term “House Whip” on CNN and then get disappointed that they’re talking about politics.If a friend of yours tells you she can’t get out of the house because she’s all tied up….and you get jealous.If stocks and bonds fascinate you, but you could care less what happens on Wall Street.If you find yourself lying about your birthday just to get in an extra spanking or two during the course of a year.If, deep in your mind, you think of tic-tac-toe as a game being played between the X’s and The Story of O’s.If you hear a confused person say, “Beat me!” and you automatically yell out “Me next!”.If you think the best part of going to church is getting to kneel. (The same holds true if you make up extra sins at confession so you can get a heavier penance).If you actually wish your Mastercard would give you orders.If you think that the three basic materials for bed sheets are linen, silk and leather. (or at the least, kinky in general)If you call your personal vibrator “Sir”.If you think your panties look best on you when pulled down around your knees.If you see a road sign displaying, “Chains required” and wonder if that means, whips are optional.If you read a headline about sub warfare, and picture two naked women cat-fighting over a cute Dom.If you dream of a beautiful leather jacket with a full face hood.
Docter docter
your mama is ssssooooo ugly that the docter slaped your grandmother for having her
Who Holds the Title
Some years ago, a New Orleans lawyer sought a direct Veterans Administration loan for a client. He was told that the loan would be approved if he could provide proof of clear title to the property offered as collateral.
The title for the property in question was complicated and he spent a considerable amount of time reviewing all pertinent documents back to 1803. Satisfied with the depth and expanse of his examination, he submitted the information to the VA.
He soon received a reply from the VA.: “We received your letter today enclosing application for a loan for your client, supported by abstract of title. The application forms are complete, but you have not cleared the title before the year 1803. Therefore, before full review and possible approval can a be accorded the application, it will be necessary that the title be cleared back before that year.”
Annoyed, the lawyer wrote the V.A.: “Your letter regarding titles in case #9378329 received. I note that you wish titles extended further back than I have presented. Your attention is invited to the following information to update your records for the property prior to 1803:
a) I was unaware that any educated person would not know that the United States gained clear title to Louisiana from France in 1803. This title transfer was a result of a real estate transaction known as The Louisiana Purchase.
b) France gained clear title to Louisiana by right of conquest from Spain under the Treaty of San Ildefonso (1800).
c) The land came into the possession of Spain by right of discovery in 1492 by a sailor named Christopher Columbus. He was acting on behalf of Isabella, Queen of Spain, and had her permission to claim newly discovered lands for Spain.
d) The good Queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles – almost as careful as the V.A.- took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before authorizing the voyage.
e) The Pope is a servant of God; God created the world.
f) Therefore, I believe that it is safe to presume that God created title that part of the world called Louisiana and thus was the original holder of the property in question.