Teacher: “I’d like a room, please.”
Hotel Receptionist: “Single, Sir?”
Teacher: “Yes, but I am engaged.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Author: admin
Signs from Kitchens
So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
If you don’t like my standards of cooking …lower your
standards.
Although you’ll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down,
converse.
It doesn’t always look like this: Some days it’s even
worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is
delirious.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they
shall never cease to be amused.
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and
gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen … just vending
machines.
I’d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a
speed bump.
USEFUL OFFICE PHRASES
Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable: Time to up my medication.
I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really
quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Your momma so dumb!
Your momma so dumb:
If she was a dog, she would walk
backwards and wag her head!
Deer meat
One day a family were sitting at dinner eating dear meat. The dad said, ” kids, if you can guess what we are eating i will give you 10.00. So the 1st lil girl says, “chicken”
he says,”nope”. the second child which is a boy says turkey? he says no. He says i will give you one clue… its something your mom calls me.There was a long pause then the little girl says CHARLIE SPIT THAT OUT YOUR EATING BUTTHOLE!!
The Top 17 Headlines in Animal Newspapers (Part II)
17> American Kennel Club Approves “Freedom Poodle” Name Change
16> Father of 12 Charged With Eating Children
15> Local Dingo Breaks World Record in Baby-Eating Competition
14> Teens Most Likely to Become Roadkill; Elderly Close Second
13> Fluffy Accused of “Going Outside the Box”
12> Tiger Dominates Masters, Arrested at Dinner
11> President Claims: “I Did Not Have Sex With That Leg”
10> Elephants Denied Vote in Democratic Primary
9> MASTER RETURNS! Abandoned Rover Excited, Hungry
8> Roy Attacker: “Evil Dictator Had to Go”
7> Authorities Question Siamese Immigrant as Koi-Pond Murder Spree Enters Third Week
6> Farmer Jones to Mooove
5> Hundreds Injured in Slugville Salt Factory Explosion
4> Countless Canines Defrauded in Fake Ball-Throw Scam
3> REX BAD! (Page 14)
2> Siamese Cats Separated
1> Chinese Soccer Team Scandal: Shih Tzu Hits Fan
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Clinton’s Lingerie
When did Bill Clinton go to Victoria’s Secret?
When the panties were half off!
Q: How many alt.test
Q: How many alt.test readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: One postmaster and 100 autoresponder mailbombs.
Insurance
Tom’s barn burned down and his wife, Matilda Jane, called her insurance agent to file a claim…
Matilda Jane told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money, right quick!”
The agent replied, “Just a minute, there, Matilda Jane. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Matilda Jane replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband… Right quick!”
The Speech
There are a bunch of blondes and one brunette. They all decide
to go mountin cimbing one Saturday afternoon. So they go and
they are almost to the top when the rope starts to fray. They
all decide that one person has to jump off. The brunette
decides that she wants to be the one to jump. She gives a great
speech about why she wants to be the one to sacrafice her life
for the blondes, when all of the sudden, the blondes clap.
Viagra again and again….
Potential Viagra Slogans:10. ‘Viagra, The quicker dicker upper’ 9. ‘Viagra, One-a-day, like iron’ 8. ‘Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight’ 7. ‘Viagra, Home of the whopper’ 6. ‘Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em’ 5. ‘Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman’ 4. ‘Viagra, Tastes great, more filling’ 3. ‘Viagra, Six inches long… and growing.’ 2. ‘Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to’ …..and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: 1. ‘This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?’—————————Q. What’s the difference betwen an Irish and a Jewish husband?A. The first buys Viagra; the second buys Pfizer. ————————–An Oregon resident made enough capital gain on his Pfizer stock to buy himself a new Mercedes Convertable. He then tried to honor the product which had caused the stock runup by buying the vanity license plate ‘VIAGRA.’ The DMV refused to register it; mumbling some bureaucratic blather about the word he was seeking being on a list of ‘controlled substances’ forbidden on Oregon Vanity License plates. When he counter-argued that it was a LEGAL ethical product, they then muttered something about it being a copyrighted word.
Statues in the Park
There are these two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?” He asks her, “Shall we?” She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time I hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head!”