Your momas so fat she left the house on high heels and came back on flip flops
Author: admin
Gone to heaven
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says,
‘I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also. I want all the women to go with Saint Peter.’
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 160 km long, and in the line of the men who dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said to the 160-km-long line,
‘You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and your mates whipped you all. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?’
And the man replied,
`I don’t know. My wife told me to stay here.’
Revenge on Telemarketers….
*Ring*
Tom Mabe: Hello?
Telemarketer: Yes? Is this Mr. Mabe?
Tom Mabe: Yes.
Telemarketer: Hi. This is Todd from “Bill’s Carpet Cleaning,”
Tom Mabe: Uh-huh.
Telemarketer: …and I’ve been telling people in your area about
a special one-time, 29–
Tom Mabe: Oh my God, I’m so glad you called… Can you get blood
out of the carpet?
Telemarketer: Um… Yeah, Yeah, we can do that…
Tom Mabe: Because, man, I’ve got blood all over the place, I’ve
got it on the floor, the couch, the drapes… It’s all over the
place..
Telemarketer: Ok Mr. Mabe, when would you like us to come over?
Tom Mabe: Can you come over right now.. Now would be good…
Telemarketer: Um… I’m not sure I can do that… We can
schedule for another time..
Tom Mabe: What’s your name? Todd?
Telemarketer: Yes, Todd.
Tom Mabe: Now, Todd. The law states that if someone comes into
your house, breaks into your house, you can shoot them, right?
Telemarketer: Um… I’m not sure if it says that, why do you
want me to call 911?
Tom Mabe: Do you think that applies to relatives?
Telemarketer: Yeah, I mean, I dunno.
Tom Mabe: No no no no, it’s ok… Now Todd, I need you to come
over right now… I mean what do you get paid per week? I’ll
double it.. I’ll by you a keg, what shoe size do you wear??
Telemarketer: 12.
Want more?
magnum42@mail2billy.com
Tom had this problem of
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.”Boss”, he said, ” The pill actually worked!””That’s all fine” said the boss, ” But where were you yesterday?”
Back Seat Necking
The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.
“Want to go in the back seat?” she asked.
“Nope”, he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, �Now do you want to get in the back seat?�
“No, I don’t”, he said again, “I wanna stay here in the front seat with you.”
Casjun Employment Test (Derogatory)
A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Boudreaux. The boss thought to himself, “I’m not hiring that lazy Cajun,” so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.The first question was, “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”Boudreaux says, “Dat’s easy,” and proceeds to draw three trees.The boss says, “What the hell is that?”Boudreaux says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.””Fair enough,” says the boss. “Second question, same rules, but represent 99.”Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. “Der ya go sir,” he says.The boss scratches his head and asks, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”Boudreaux answers, “Each tree is dirty now, so it’s dirty tree ‘n dirty tree ‘n dirty tree – dat’s 99.”The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, “All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.”Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, “I got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Der ya go sir – 100.”The boss looks at Boudreaux’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! Got him this time.” He then tells Boudreaux, “Go on Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a hundred!”Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, and dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?”
These three guys –
These three guys – an American, Chinese, and German – were
shipwrecked on a desert island. The German found this smokey bottle.
So he brought it back to the other two and they all opened it togther
(the German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a GENIE
POPPED OUT! The genie granted them each one wish, and of course all
three wanted to be back home. So the genie said he would grant them
their wishes.
“But first, you must all do me a favor. Mr. American – I want you
to built me a restaurant here. Mr. German – you will make the kitchen
for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman – you will get the supplies for the
restaurant. I have a hot date waiting for me in Bagdad, so I have to
go. But I will return in ONE MONTH. At that time, if you satisfied my
requirements, I will grant your wishes.”
So for one month, the three men American and German toiled while
the Oriental kinda lazed around and gave a helping hand to the other
two. Then about 4 days before the genie’s expected return, the
Oriental disappeared.
Well, the genie came back, just as he promised, and asked to be
shown what they had done.
He was amazed by the restaurant! Five dining rooms, a tremendous
main lobby – all made of bamboo! It was a magnificent feat. As for the
kitchen – full utensils, running gas stoves, pots, pans – all made
from shells, bamboo, and coconuts. An absolute wonder!
“But where are the supplies from Mr. Chinaman?”
The two men said they didn’t know. All they knew was that he had
disappered a few days ago and they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of him
since then. Suddenly from the shadows, out leaped the Oriental,
shouting in a loud voice:
“SUPLISE!!!!!!!!!”
Odd Medical Testing
A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes.She was a bit shocked, but went ahead anyway. When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked, but if I would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said. As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did, he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive ‘yes, yes’ type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.After she had, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.”So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?” “Well,” he replied, “my wife is right, a beard would suit me”
Old Dead Mama
Yo mama so old and trying-to-be-trendy that I said, “Act your age, bitch.”
And she died.
Ocean Bottom Twitch
Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
Friends come and go, but
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Give Bubba a Chance
It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won’t be able to graduate tonight.”Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox’s football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn’t going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, “Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!”Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance. Bubba is told that he will be given a “One Question” math test and if he passes, he can graduate.The question is, “What is 2 plus 3?” Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, “I have it! The answer is 5!”There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, “Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more Chance!”