Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?A: An infinitely growing number: One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying “I got it”, one to post in saying “Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays”, one to post in saying “Our news software hasn’t been working and I missed the original lightbulb joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?”, one to post in quoting everything so far and the words “Me too”, two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with “I don’t get it. Isn’t this the place for FUNNY jokes ?”, one to post in after two months “What’s this lightbulb joke you’re all talking about ?”, one to repost it a month later thinking it’s a new joke, one to post “I didn’t get it. What’s the punchline ?”, one to post “Has anyone got a list of these? I’m starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes”, and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by “Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ?” and accompanied by all of our old favourites like “How many programmers…? None that’s a hardware problem.”, three to ask, a month later, “What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs archived at ?”, and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.
Author: admin
A Birthday Celebrati
“Look at ME!!” boasted the fit old man, pounding a very flat and firm stomach, having just finished 100 sit-ups before a group of young people. “Fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why?? I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I don’t chase after loose women!!”He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes aglitter, “And tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my *95th* birthday!!!””Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, “How?”
To All Employees
To All Employees: It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timecards that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). Note that unproductive time isn’t a problem.
What is a problem, however, is not knowing exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.
The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter. Thank you, Accounting. Attached: Extended Job Code List
Code Number Explanation ———- ———– 5316 Useless Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5394 Blaming Incompetence of Coworker Who is Not a Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timecard 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5503 Scratching Yourself 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323) 5604 Complaining About Boss 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining 5701 Not Actually Present At Job 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu 6102 Ordering Out 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit 6201 Stealing Company Goods 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods 6205 Hiding from Boss 6206 Gossip 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.) 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself 6211 Updating Resume 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter 6213 Out of Office on Interview 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603) 6602 Complaining 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time 6611 Staring Into Space 6612 Staring At Computer Screen 6615 Transcendental Meditation 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes) 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity 8000 Recreational Drug Use 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use 8002 Liquid Lunch 8100 Reading e-mail 8101 Distributing humorous e-mails
Making Pork
Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly.
Saddam tells his driver: “Go to da farm over dere and hexplain to da honer of da pig what appened.”
One hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.
“What appen to you?” he asks.
“Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife, the cigar and their 19 year old daughter made wild passionate love to me.”
“My God! What did you tell dem?” asked President Hussein.
The driver answered: “Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein’s chauffeur and I have just killed the pig.”
So She Would Love You
Man says to God, “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says, “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God replies, “So she would love you.”
Got No Ears
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this “unusual” handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.
Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was “Do you notice anything unusual about me?” The guy said, “Now that you mention it, you have no ears.” The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”
The guy also noticed, “Yes, you have no ears.” The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”
The guy replied “Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses.”
Surprised, the man then asked, “Wow! That’s quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?”
The guy burst out laughing and said you can’t wear glasses if you don’t have any ears!
Time is what keeps everything
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Give Me An A
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).
In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), “Oh, you can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!”
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn’t be helped as well.
“Yes, yes” signed the mute. “Let’s have the first treatment right now!”
“Very well,” replies the specialist.
“Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining table. I’ll be right in.”
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick, mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he “sends it home” with a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming, “AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!”
“VERY good,” smiles the doctor.
“Next Tuesday, we start with ‘B'”
Can’t Cook
A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from
their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The
next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes
his way to the kitchen where he sees his new blonde wife crying.
So the husband inquires, “What’s wrong, Honey?”
“Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big
breakfast, but I can’t cook or clean.”
The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, “There, there
sweetie! I don’t care that you can’t cook and clean. Come on up
to the bedroom and I’ll show you what I’d like for breakfast.”
So off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new
wife crying again in the kitchen. “What’s wrong now, Sweetie?”
“Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make
you something for lunch and I just can’t cook.”
Again the husband smiles and says, “Why don’t you come back up
to the bedroom and I’ll have my lunch there!”
So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and
sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the
stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.
After the third trip the husband asks, “What are you doing,
Honey?”
“Warming up your supper!” she replies.
Bill Gates se muere y,
Bill Gates se muere y, al llegar al cielo, San Pedro le dice:
“Te permitimos que bajes durante media hora al infierno para veas c�mo es, y luego te subes al cielo otra media hora. Entonces decides d�nde quieres estar.”
Bill Gates baja al infierno, y ve una playa alucinante, con un sol incre�ble, chicas guapas por todos lados, juerga, org�as. A continuaci�n sube al cielo, y ve a los angelitos de blanco, todo tranquilo y apacible, con m�sica cl�sica de fondo. Va a San Pedro y le dice:
“�Ya he decidido, me voy al infierno!”
“�Est�s seguro? Ten en cuenta que es una decisi�n irrevocable.”
“S�, s�, ya lo tengo decidido.”
Bill Gates vuelve al infierno, y ve calderas hirviendo por todos lados, condenados as�ndose, calor abrasador… Entonces va con el demonio y le pregunta:
“Pero bueno… �Y esto qu� es? �No hab�a hace un rato una playa fabulosa y todo lo dem�s?”
Y el demonio le responde:
“�Ah, amigo, es que eso era una DEMO!”
Mountain Dew
Yo mama’s so stupid she tried climbing Mountain Dew.
Which Hole?
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci