hey if a frog had wings would it bump his ass when he hopes?
No dumbass it would fly
Author: admin
Blonde in a Barber Shop
A blonde walks into the hairdresser with headphones on. She asks the woman
working there for a haircut. The blonde sits down in the chair. The woman takes
the blonde’s headphones off and cuts her hair. At the end, the woman asks how
she likes her hair but, to her surprise the blonde is dead! The woman picks up
the headphones and listens.
She hears: �Breathe in…Breathe out…breathe in…Breathe out.”
The first rule of intelligent tinkering…
- The first rule of intelligent tinkering
- Save all the parts.
The first profession
After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.”Thanks,” she said. “But I only charge $20.””Twenty bucks for the entire night?” the amazed MP replied.”You can’t make a living on that.””Oh, don’t worry,” the whore replied. “I do a little blackmail on the side!”
Divine Press Release
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem. Sources close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time”, that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was “thrilled to have had his child.”
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship existed”, and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily”. Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the “Wise Men”.
Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair. Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal. In recent months, Beelzebub’s investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that lagued God’s political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a “tough-on-crime” plan consisting of a series of 10 “Commandments”, which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the “Name in Vain” Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.
The light bulb and the pregnant lady
what is the difference in a light bulb and a pregnant lady? you can unscrew the light bulb
Computer Viruses
Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains
loudly about foreign software. Frequentlyaccompanies the
Right-to-Life and the Randall Terry virus
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn’t do
anything. Secretly, you wish it would
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear
mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it’s guilty of trashing your
system, but you just can’t prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it’s been around too long
to be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size
BOBBITT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then
reattaches it. (But that part will never work again.)
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you’re getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying
too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse
around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by
LAN; twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a “virus,”
butinstead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
RIGHT-TO-LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file,
regardless of how young it is. If you attempt to erase a file,
it requires you to see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just
before the whole thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to
run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGAR VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident.
It’ll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your
komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of
people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds
of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all
of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC’s infected will lose 30
percent of their data 14 percent of the time(plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error).
RANDALL TERRY VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you
choose “Abort” from the “Abort, Retry, Fail” message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen
splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of
the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is
caused by the other side.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in
Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its
own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self
destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper
shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables,
power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of
mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus
has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing
wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, “Read my
docs…no new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all
the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it
on the Congressional virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like
a 286AT.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in
last in the reviews, but you still love it.
How many people do you
How many people do you know who have actually READ their entire
insurance policy and are prepared to discuss it intelligently?
-Richard Guindon
The blonde in open
whats the best football position a blonde plays? a wide reciever because shes always open!!!!!
King Kong
what do you get when king kong stepe on a glacier? crushed ice.
Tyson and OJ At the Vatican
Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.
He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up – Down – Left and right).
OJ runs up to Mike and says – “Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???”
Mike replies – “No, he said – ‘You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).
The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.
Have some more Acid…
Little old Mr. Ravelli is out on his front stoop, barbecuing a chicken on a manual rotisserie, when a hippie comes walking by.
The hippie stops, takes a look, and says, “Hey, man…the music stopped and your monkey’s on fire.”