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God called Noah one day and said, “Noah, I need you to build another ark.”
“What, like the last one?” Noah replied.
“Er, no..I need this one to have 6 stories.”
“So do you want me to lead all the animals 2 by 2 into the ark?” Noah asked.
“No,” said God, “I want you to just take fish on board.”
Noah asked, “What kind of fish?”
“Just carp.” replied God
“Why just carp?” asked Noah
God quipped, “Because I’ve always wanted a multi story carp ark…..”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”
Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo
These two businessmen were chatting over a well earned drink in a New York bar one Friday evening.
‘God, I embarrassed myself last week’ says the first. ‘There I was in the railroad station trying to get to Pittsburgh. The ticket clerk had the biggest breasts I had ever seen outside of Playboy, and when she served me I said “Give me a ticket to TITS – BURGH”. I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life”.
‘I know what you mean’ said his colleague. Only the other morning I was having breakfast with my wife, and when I meant to say “pass the butter”, what I actually said was “you miserable cow, you’ve completely f. . . cked up my life”. She’s still not speaking to me.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,”What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!”
Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he’s going, he replies…
“I’m going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!”
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5, 000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and
buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking,
but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35, ” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47, ” the man says happily.
A little while later he goes to McDonald’s for lunch and asks the order taker
the same question, to which the reply is, “I’d guess that you’re 29?”
“Nope, I am actually 47.” He’s starting to feel really good about himself.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young
there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants
and play with your penis for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact
age.”
As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47, “
Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonald’s”.
Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.
When the priest says his little “If anyone know any reason…” ditty, say, “Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!” or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see “Jesus Christ Superstar” with his mother on the night of your anniversary.
Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.
Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.
Pretend you’ve been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you’ve had his love child and he looks just like him.
Say you’ve had an affair with the bride if you’re female, and the groom if you’re male.
Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.
Silly string! or, better yet…indoor frog baseball! “White Wedding” mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the groom’s underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires.
Ever see that scene in “The Parent Trap” where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girl’s dress?
Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.
Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.
Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist.
Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.
As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the bride’s mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the bride’s nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, “Throw your bra…Throw your bra…”
Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.
Tell the rabbi there’s no money to pay him, and ask if he’ll settle for shtupping the bride.
Assure the bride’s mother that the groom is “Hung like a horse”. Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
If there’s a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.
When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing “The Lady is a Tramp”.
Ok, so this isn’t really a knock knock joke but who cares? anyway here it is.
here’s a really good tip:
never spit or pee into the wind.
Applying for a job, the new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be a problem.”No,” he replied. “I paid that back right after my first case.””Really,” said the interviewer.”What case was that?””Uh–well, my dad sued me for it and won.”
Bill: “Summer intern, had me a blast”
Monica: “White house intern, happened so fast”
Bill: “Met a girl, crazy for me”
Monica: “Met the prez, down on my knees”
Bill: “Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, but those summer nights”
Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah. uh Tell us more,
tell us more”
Linda Trip: “try to remember your best”
Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more”
Kenneth Star: “Did he come on your dress?”
Bill: “Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp”
Monica: “The prez is sexy – he makes my panties damp”
Bill: “She gave me head, right in the White House”
Monica: “I said OK, just don’t come in my mouth”
Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah. uh Tell us more,
tell us more”
Linda Trip: “he sounds like a swell guy”
Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more”
Kenneth Star: “Did he tell you to lie?”
Bill: “Press found out, it turned into a mess”
Monica: “He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress”
Bill: “She promised to lie, she made a vow”
Monica: “Wonder who is servicing him now”
Bill & Monica: “Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams But………oh, Those
White House Nights”
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A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.The bartender asks the seal, “What’s your pleasure?”The seal replies, “Anything but Canadian Club.”
Little old Mr. Ravelli is out on his front stoop, barbecuing a chicken on a manual rotisserie, when a hippie comes walking by.
The hippie stops, takes a look, and says, “Hey, man…the music stopped and your monkey’s on fire.”