Q: What’s the differecne between a proctologist and a bartender?
A: A proctologist looks at the assholes one at a time
Author: admin
PIG!
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is drivingdown the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of thewindow and yells “PIG!!” The man immediately leans out of his window and shouts back “BITCH”They continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.If only men would learn to listen!!
NUN IN THE BATH
There is this Nun in the bath and she hears a knock at the door, Who is it? she says the reply is im the blind man can i come in? so she thinks for a moment and says yes you can come in.So the blind man walks in and and says NICE TITS WERE DO U WAN TME TO HANG THE BLIND?
Your four-year-old is a member
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Tough Bikers
A highly timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx. He cleared
his throat and then asked, “Um, err, which one of you gentlemen owns the
Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through
the seams, turned slowly on his chair, and looked down at the quivering little
man. “It’s my dog. Who’s asking?”
“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog
just killed your Doberman, sir.”
“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What kind of dog do you have?”
“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a four week old puppy.”
“A four week old puppy!” roared the biker, “How could your four week old puppy
kill my Doberman?”
“Well, it appears that your Doberman choked on it, sir.”
Grandma’s strudel
An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and his older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life.
The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours.
Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks:
“I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s strudel.”
“No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now.”
“I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a sliver?” the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man’s last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. “Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother’s delicious strudel?” the old man plaintively queries?
“I’m very sorry,grandfather, she says you can’t have any, it’s for the funeral!”
Est� un se�or con el
Est� un se�or con el psiquiatra y le dice:
Llega a un bar y le dice al bartender:
“Por favor deme tres tequilas.”
El bartender mira atr�s del hombre y ve que no hay mas nadie, le da los tres tequilas y el hombre se los bebe, paga y se va. Al otro d�a el hombre llega al bar y pide nuevamente tres tragos, se los toma y se va. Al d�a siguiente llega y pide nuevamente tres tragos y el bartender le pregunta:
“Caballero �por qu� usted siempre compra tres tragos si usted es uno solo?”
Y el caballero responde:
“Lo que pasa es que yo bebo por mi y por dos hermanos m�os que esta� fuera del pa�s.”
El bartender le da los tragos el hombre los toma y se va. Al d�a siguiente el hombre llega al bar pero esta vez pide dos tragos y dice el bartender:
“Ay, �no me diga que muri� uno de sus hermanos?”
Y el hombre responde:
“No, lo que sucede es que dej� la bebida…”
Cats and Pills
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
12. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
Front Lawn
These two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.
So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone’s front lawn.
“Look,” he shouts “What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?”
The passenger, being a man of the world, replies “They are having sex. Don’t tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?”.
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.
So the passenger says “You have to try it. It’s pretty cool. Here’s what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position.”
The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.
So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks “Well. How did it go?”
To which the driver replies “It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.!!!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis
Knock Knock 68
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frances!
Frances who?
Frances hello!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Francie!
Francie who?
Francie that!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Francis!
Francis who?
Francis on the other side of the Channel!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frank!
Frank who?
Franks and beans!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Franz!
Franz who?
Franz, Romans, Countryman…!
Helicopter Ride
A helicopter flying in the air had a rope attached to it. There were twenty girls hanging onto the rope, nineteen of them were blondes, one of the was a brunette.
One of the blondes says, One of us is going to have to let go of the rope.
The brunette says, I will, and then she makes a sad speech about how much she will miss her family and friends.
The blondes were so moved they began to applaude.
25 Pound Baby
A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell He
hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody
in the bar because, he announces, his wife has produced a baby boy weighing 25
pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan
just shrugs, “That’s about average down home folks. Like I said, “My boy’s a
typical Texas baby boy.”
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says; “Say you’re the
father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren’t you?
Everybody’s been making bets about how big he’d be in two weeks .
We were gonna call you. So—-How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “17 pounds”. The bartender is puzzled, and concerned.
” What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!”
The Texas father takes a long swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his
lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him
circumcised.”