Category: relationships

A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, And the media was there to document the occasion.

One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity.

The wife replied that they had never been sick.

The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, “So, you’ve Never been bedridden.”

And the wife quickly replied, “Oh, 1000’s of times, and twice in a buggy.”

One year, a man recorded every day of the year and whether he had sex with his wife or not. In the 365 days he conducted his research, he only had sex 12 days. He recorded the reasons why his wife couldn’t have sex with him, and these are the results:

The sheets are clean 54 times It is too late 17 times Too tired from shopping all day 49 times It is too early 20 times It is too hot 15 times Pretending to be asleep 15 times The neighbors will hear us 3 times Headache 22 times Sunburn times Your Mother will hear us times Not in the mood 43 times You will wake the baby 17 times Watching the late show 6 times New Hairdo 5 times Too sore 16 times Wrong time of month 36 times Have to get up early 19 times And Here is this man’s wife’s version of the research: Came home drunk and tried to “do” the cat 15 times Did not come home at all 36 times Did not come 21 times Came too soon 33 times Went soft before you got it in 33 times Toes cramped 10 times Working too late 38 times Have to get up early to play golf 29 times Had a fight and someone kicked you in the balls 2 times Caught Herman in your zipper 4 times Caught a cold and your nose kept running 3 times Burned your tongue on hot coffee 3 times You had a splinter in your finger 2 times Came in your PJ’s while reading a dirty book 16 times Watching football on TV 8 times Hemorrhoids flared up 10 times

Once a servant walked into Lord Hamilton’s room and said, ‘Sir, your wife is
about to give birth. She has contacted an astrologer who predicted that in the
event it’s a boy, she will die. If it’s a girl, the father will die. And in the
event of twins, a servant will die.’
Lord Hamilton covered his knees with a plaid and said, ‘Go back to her and
help with the birth.’
After a while the servant returned and reported, ‘It’s a girl, My Lord.’ And
the servant dropped dead.

A husband came home late in the night, drunk and sleepy.
“Where have you been?” the wife demanded.
“You’re so smart, darling. Can’t you invent a good answer yourself?”

The wife says: Are you listening to me?The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]The wife says: YesThe wife means: NoThe wife says: NoThe wife means: NoThe wife says: MaybeThe wife means: NoThe wife says: I’m sorryThe wife means: You’ll be sorryThe wife says: Do you like this recipe?The wife means: You better get used to itThe wife says: All we’re going to buy is a soap dishThe wife means: I’m coming back with enough to fill this place.The wife says: Was that the baby?The wife means: Get out of bed and walk himThe wife says: I’m not yelling!The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!

A guy was invited to some old friends’ home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy:

“I think it’s wonderful that after all the years you’ve been married, you still call your wife those pet names.”

His buddy hung his head. “To tell you the truth,” he said, “I forgot her name about ten years ago.”

An old man in Austin calls his son in Dodge City (Kansas). The
conversation goes as follows.

Dad: Son, I hate to bring you the bad news … but your mother
and I, we are getting a divorce …

Son: WHAT?? You can’t! What about –

Dad: I’m sorry son! 45 years of misery is ENOUGH!! Now, I am
sick of talking about it, call your sister and tell her! (CLICK)

The son, nearly in tears calls his sister in New Orleans. The
conversation goes as follows.

Brother: Sis, Your not gonna believe this! MOM AND DAD ARE
GETTING A … A … DIVORCE!!

Sister: WHAT?!? OH NO THEY AREN’T! You stay put. I’ll call you
right back!! (CLICK)

The sister, calls the parents in Austin and the conversation
goes as follows.

Daughter: YOU TWO ARE NOT GETTNG A DIVORCE!!

Dad: Honey, listen –

Daughter: NO YOU LISTEN! YOU ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE! YOU KNOW
WHAT? YOU DON’T DO ANYTHING! I’M CALLING BROTHER BACK, WE’LL BE
THERE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! DON’T DO ANYTHING! (CLICK)

The father hangs up calmly and bounces his news paper to allign
it to his liking. He looked at his wife and said “Well, they are
coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own fares, what
shall we tell them on Christmas?”

Jemma is the best. The best out of all the people I know, the
best
of all the females i know, just simply the best.

We were on holiday, Janice, me and Jemma. We were out in our
small cosy caravan, one night when Janice was fast asleep in her
bed me and Jemma went outside into the woods to have some fun,
we thought it would be better outside incase Janice heard us and
disturbed us.

I rammed jemma hard up against a thick tree, i felt her lovely
soft, tender tits, and licked her wet pussy, she was as excited
as me. when i slowly moved up licking all her body, i shoved my
hard cock up her pussy, i could feel it was wet and warm inside,
i felt her pussy closing on my dick. it was a wonderful feeling.
i was still feeling her beautiful tits, even though they were
very small i still enjoyed every minuet of it. Then jemma pulled
away she walked off as if nothing had happened. i followed her
getting dressed as i walked.

As i said before Jemma is the best, the best i knew, the best
pet id ever had, the best dog EVER.

A guy on the golf course gets hit square on his junk with a slicing drive.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he can manage, he takes himself to the doctor and asks, How bad is it, doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin.

The doctor says, I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight, but it should be OK by next week.

With that, the doctor takes four tongue depressors, forms a four-sided bandage and wires it all together.

The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend, proceeds to marry her and they then leave on their honeymoon.

That night in the hotel room, the wife rips open her blouse for the first time to reveal a gorgeous set of knockers. She says, You’re the first, no one else has ever touched these breasts!

Taking a cue from his new bride, the man whips off his pants and responds, Take a look at this, it’s still in the crate!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates… “I know you haven’t been getting much lately…but I didn’t know you were so worried about it!”

I wish I was one of your tears, so I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek, and die on your lips.

Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I together.

Can I borrow that quarter, ’cause my mom told me to call home when I fell in love

What’s wrong? You’re looking a little sad and gloomy. What you need is some vitamin me.

Are your legs tired? ’cause you been running through my mind ALL day long.

Are you lost? ’cause it’s so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

Is your father a thief? ’cause he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes. (yo, watch out though, and be prepared with a snappy answer just in case she says ‘yes’)

Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by you again?

What’s that in your eye? Oh…it’s a sparkle.

If I said you were an angel, would you treat me like the devil tonight?

Can I see that label? I just wanted to know if you were made in heaven.

Do you like raisins? How about a date?

So… How am I doin’?

I miss my teddy bear…Would you sleep with me?

You look great and all, but do you know what’d really look good on you? Me.

Could I get some directions? (“To where?”) To your heart.

Is it hot in here, or is it just you?

If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Look at you, with all those curves, and me with no brakes.

Can I flirt with you?

Hi, my name’s _____, but you can call me “lover”.

(another quarter line). Could I borrow a quarter? ’cause I just want to call your mother and thank her.

(lick your finger and then touch her shirt). Here, let me help you out of those wet clothes.

What do you like for breakfast?

Say, did we go to different schools together?

Hi, my name is _____, how do you like me so far?

(At the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Can I help?

Woman asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You : “Do you have the
energy?”

You look like the type of girl that’s heard every line in the book. So what’s one more?

Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

I’m new in town…could you give me directions to your apartment?

I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve seen…on a Wednesday

I know this is going to sound like a line, but did that sound like a line? Are you disappointed?

I know I don’t look like much now, but I’m drinking milk.

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

Are you religious? Good, cause I’m here to answer your prayers.

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt) When you fell out of heaven.

Inheriting 80 million doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.

I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?

If your parents hadn’t met, I’d be a very unhappy man right now.

Do you drink milk? It sure did your body good.

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, Janet said, Good Morning, Boss- – – -Happy Birthday and I felt a little better- — – someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, you know it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, Let’s go to lunch, just you and me.

I said, by George, that’s the greatest thing I have heard all day. Let’s go.

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, you know, it’s such a beautiful day, we don’t need to go back to the office, do you?

I said, no, I guess not.

She said, Let’s go to my apartment.

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.

I allowed her to do so, as I didn’t mind at all. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes she came out of the bedroom carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife and children.

All were singing Happy Birthday, and there I sat….

with nothing on but my socks…..