Category: relationships

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it…our lives depend on it!”

“Dear, the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, ‘I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!!!!!!!

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, “I’m sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.”

After this, the old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor comes up to her and says, “Aren’t you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?”

The old lady calmly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around!

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his
parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking
dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I
have something to tell you: I’m gay.”
His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat
it to make sure she’d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was
stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay — doesn’t that mean you put other men’s
penises in your mouth?”
The guy said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.”
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around,
whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, “Don’t you EVER complain
about my cooking again!!”

One day a husband was a little concerned with the spending of the house keeping money.

He said to is wife, “What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?”

She said “Turn sideways and look in the mirror!”

Submitted by Curtis

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.

The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

So the man says to his wife “Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill” She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, “Geez, it really is as wide as the grill!”

She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.

The wife calmly responds, “If you think I’m gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.”

The wife and her little son come back from a health resort.
The wife tells the husband:
“But only fancy, I met such interesting people, such fascinating
interlocutors! I, for example, got acquainted with an Admiral.”
The son mutters:
“The Admiral – Admiral, he is afraid of sleeping alone!”

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners.

The Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher.

“Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” asked the instructor.

“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to……to…. cut it off are you?!”

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire.”

After 30 years of marriage an Italian woman addressed her
husband one evening. “For 30 years I’ve done everything you
asked of me without complaint. Now after 30 years I wish to ask
two things of you so that I may be even happier in my old age.”

“What are they?” asked the husband.

“My love, you always pick your nose,” replied the wife, “and I
wish that you would not do that.”

“And the other thing?” inquired the husband.

“Whenever we have sex, you always are on the top and I would
really like to be on the top of you sometimes.”

“Well, my dear,” said the husband, “I have tried, as you have to
make our marriage good, and foremost in my mind I have kept the
words of your father when we were betrothed. He said only two
things to me. First, he said, ‘Now you marry my daughter make
sure you always keep your nose clean.’ And second he said, ‘And
don’t fuck up.'”

To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother–I want to marry one who makes dough like her father.

Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

My Dearest Susan,Sweetie of my heart. I’ve been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won’t you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won’t you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.Yours always and truly,JohnP.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.