Category: relationships

There was this lady who was sexually frustrated and had tried to get her husband sexually stimulated but nothing seemed to work.

She tried sexy lingerie, toys, etc., etc., but had no luck.

So, one day she asked her friend what she should do, “It’s really annoying me now! He’s just not up for it. He’s always out down the pub with the lads. What can I do?”

Her friend suggested, “Well, if he’s always out with the lads why don’t you give him an extra tenner so he enjoys himself even more and then he’ll come home and thank you appropriately.”

So the woman tried this and this is what happened on his return:

Man: Take Your clothes off!

Woman thinks: Whoa! This is working!

Man: Stand on your head!

Woman: Ooohh Kinky!!!

Man: Spread your legs apart!

Woman thinks: This has really worked, give it to me!

The man then gets a small mirror and places it in between her legs.

Woman thinks: This is a new one!

Man says: You know, the lads were right, I would look good with a beard!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still had not gotten over her depression, mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mama! I have the perfect person for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit! They took to one another incredibly well, and after dating for six months he asked her to marry him and she happily agreed. A few weeks later, they were married and honeymooned in the Catskills.

The first night there, she began to undress, as did he. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asked, “Why the black panties? Is this a mystery thing?”

She replied, “The rest of my body is yours, but down there I am still in mourning.” He understood and accepted her choice, though somewhat disappointed.

The following night the same scenario: She presented herself to him, clad in only her black panties and he was in his birthday suit, except that he donned a black condom.

She looked at him and asked,” What’s with this…a black condom?”

With a sly grin, he replied, “Well, I just I wanted to offer my condolences!”

Mrs. Smith was in bed having wild passionate sex with Mr. Jones,
when all of the sudden her husband came home. Surprised that he
was home so early, she quickly told Mr. Jones to stand in the
corner, then she covered him with cold cream and patted him down
with some talc she had on her dresser.

Mr. Smith walks in the bedroom and sees his wife laying naked in
bed, appearing to be ready for a wild night of sex with her
husband. After a long day at work, he is refreshed by this site,
so he disrobes and climbs on for a great ride.

After they finish having sex, he asks her, “Dear, what is that
in the corner?” “Well,” starts Mrs. Smith, “It’s a statue! It’s
the latest fad and Mrs. Crump down the street has one just like
it, so I wanted one too!” Mr. Smith seemed satisfied with this
answer so he closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

He awakens at midnight and goes to the kitchen where he prepares
2 sandwiches and brings them back to the bedroom. Upon entering
the room, he walks over to the statue and hands one of the
sandwiches to Mr. Jones. “Here buddy,” says Mr. Smith, “I stood
like an idiot at the Crumps the whole night and nobody offered
me so much as a glass of water!”

Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one’s wife’s relatives.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. — Guitry

After years of marriage, Ole and Lena found themselves in bed one night. Lena leaned over to Ole and said, “Ole, have you ever been unfaithful during all our years of marriage?”

“Not even once!” exclaimed Ole. “Lena, have you ever been unfaithful?”

“Well, er, yes — but only three times,” she admitted somewhat embarrassed.

“Hmmm, three times?” questioned Ole. “That’s not so bad. Do you remember those three times? Can you tell me when?”

“Well, Ole, do you remember when you wanted to build the store and you had a hard time getting approval from the City Council?” asked Lena. “That was the first time.”

“And, do you remember when you wanted to build an addition, but had to get the okay from the building inspector?” she asked. “That was the second time.”

“OK, Lena, when was the third time?” queried Ole?

“The third time was ” Lena paused. “Do you remember when you were running for president of the Sons of Norway and you needed 125 votes?”

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken – the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects… Sorry, but that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed………………………………………….. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows………0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…………………..-1 You leave the toilet seat up………………………………..-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………………0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…….-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night …………………….0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing………………0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…………… 5 You pummel it with a six iron……………………………… 10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party………………………..0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……………………………………………-2 Named Tiffany…………………………………………….-4 Tiffany is a dancer……………………………………….-6 Tiffany has implants………………………………………-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner………………………………….0 You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ………… 1 Okay, it is a sports bar…………………………………..-2 And it’s all-you-can-eat night……………………………..-3 It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…………………………..-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely…………………………-20 You forget your anniversary……………………………….-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station………………..-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey…………………………….-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast…………………-60

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie…………………………………… 2 You take her to a movie she likes………………………….. 4 You take her to a movie you hate ………………………….. 6 You take her to a movie you like……………………………-2 It’s called DeathCop
3…………………………………….-3 Which features cyborgs having sex…………………………..-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…………………..0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ….. 20 You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself ……. 30 And she contracts Lyme disease…………………………….-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………… -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ……………………………………-30 You say “I don’t care because you have one too” ……………-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………… -5 Something she can’t use…………………………………..-10 Such as a motorized model airplane…………………………-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday………………-40

DRIVING You lost the directions on a trip………………………….-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………….-10 You don’t stop to ask directions …………………..0 You stop and ask for directions …………………. 25 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ……………..-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal……………………………………………….-25 You know them…………………………………………..-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, “Do I look fat?” ……………………………….-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding……………………………….-10 You reply, “Where?”……………………………………..-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…………………………..0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……… 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10 She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…………..-20

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, “Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?”
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: “Who was that woman?!”

“Take it easy, honey,” said the groom, “I’m going to have trouble enough explaining you to her.”

“Breaking Up Is Hard To Do…”
(especially when you share the same major!)

PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.

RELIGION: Each prays for reconciliation and/or curses G-d

ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.

THEATRE: “OH MY G-D! Life is… ENDED… as we KNOW it!”

BIOLOGY: “You just wanted to get in my genes!”

PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.

JOURNALISM: “Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks…”

WOMEN’S STUDIES: “HE did it!”

BUSINESS: Both decide that they’re spending way too much money together, and that it’s simply cheaper to be single.

HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.

GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.

ANATOMY: “I never liked your body anyway.”

ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.

ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn’t really say anything substantively intelligible.

EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.

COMPUTING: “Man, this bytes — we just couldn’t interface” and/or “His hard drive was more like a floppy.”

E. ENGINEER: “It’s just so shocking… I’m sure there are positives and negatives, but…”

ARCHITECTURE: “There just wasn’t much to build on anyway…”

JEWISH STUDIES: “OY! You should feel so guilty!”

PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there’s no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?

ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.

PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.

CHEMISTRY: “It was just the wrong chemistry between us…”

COUNSELING: Each urges the other to, “Get help!”

MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.

LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months–I don’t like to interrupt her.

Husband: I hear that fish is good for our brain.
Wife: You had better eat a whale.
Anne: “How long can a person live without brains?”
Billy: “I don’t know. How old are you?”
Father: Don’t you think our son gets all his brains from me?
Mother: Probably. I still have all mine.
Dan: She’s a bright girl…she has brains enough for two.
Jim: Then she’s just the girl for you.

Impossible to drive awayJack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev…and rev…and rev.