Category: relationships

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Before leaving for work, a man said to his wife, “How many times did I say to
you, don’t sleep with your legs apart. One day your liver may fall out.”
Next day, she apparently forgot the husband’s warning. When he saw her
sleeping with her legs apart, he decided to frighten her. He went to the
kitchen, took a cow’s liver, and laid it between his wife’s legs.
When, in the evening, he came back home from work, his wife said, “You were
right, darling. My liver fell out this morning.”
“And was it painful?” the husband said.
“When it fell out, it was not. But when I was squeezing it back in…..”

Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves. After they’dfinished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and thenthrew them away. The other woman, realising she was wearing somevery expensive knickers, didn’t want to throw hers away and so lookedaround for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearbywreath.So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home. The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, “I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon they’re up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!”The other one replied, “Tell me about it! If you think that’s bad, my wifecame home with a card stuck to her arse that read – “All the members of the District Fire Brigade will never forget you”.

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asks, “What’s that for?”

“It’s for your headache”, he replies

“But I don’t have a headache”, she states.

He replies, “Gotcha!”

After a night of heavy drinking, a man wakes up to find possibly the ugliest woman he�s ever seen sleeping beside him.

Petrified, he slips his arm out from under her, gets up and dresses as fast as he can.

Stopping only to leave $20 on the bureau, he begins to tiptoe out, but feels a tug on his pants leg.

Looking down, he sees a girl just as ugly as the one in the bed.

�What?� she asks with a toothless smile. �Nothing for the bridesmaid?�

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Married life is very frustrating.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk.

“I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive”, she said.

“Well,” said the clerk, “I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?”

“$50.00?? For a Frog??” asked the woman.

The clerk said, “It’s a special frog. It gives blow jobs.”

Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She’d get her husband a gift he’d surely enjoy, and she’d never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he’d try it out that night.

The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she’d never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks.

“What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?” asked the woman.

The guy looks up at her and says, “Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!!!”

16> Writing your wedding vows in Klingon seemed like such a cool idea at the bachelor party.

15> During the toast, when the bride’s father refers to his daughter as “pure and virtuous,” you laugh and blow champagne out your nose.

14> Sure, it rains at some outdoor weddings, but hellfire and brimstone?

13> The bride figurine atop the wedding cake? A fluffy white sheep.

Your pissed-off bride? A goat.

12> Getting married at Graceland seemed like a good idea, but you didn’t count on that annoying spinning sound coming from Daddy’s grave.

11> The ring bearer keeps dropping the bride’s glass eye.

10> Your wedding planner convinced you to forgo a traditional reception in favor of a contemporary “flash-mob reception.”

9> Traditional wedding: rice.

Your wedding: scorpions.

8> As soon as your vows are complete, Anna Nicole “accidentally” kicks over your ventilator.

7> Your bride keeps on telling you that it’s unlucky to see her *after* the wedding.

6> Your vows are to love, honor, obey, remember to feed Bubbles and the llamas every night, and keep up the subscription to “NAMBLA Illustrated.”

5> You can’t get the ceremony started because the altar keeps bursting into flames whenever your fiancee approaches it.

4> Mid-ceremony, the priest whips out a chicken foot and begins to sprinkle yak urine on the bride.

3> “Do you, CuteBabe19, take BigGuy23– damn, the server’s down again!”

2> One hour before the big “I do,” you suddenly realize there’s a bridesmaid you haven’t nailed.

1> You broke three bones in your hand in an altercation with photographers, your bride split the seam of her Vera Wang when she sat down, and now that little turd Matt Damon can’t find the friggin’ ring.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.

When my prayers were poorly said;
who tucked me in me widdle bed
and spanked me butt ’til it was red?
…..Me Mudder!
In the morning, when the lights would come
and in me crib me dribbled some;
who wiped me widdle tiny bun?
…..Me Mudder!
Who took me from me cozy cot
and placed me on me ice cold pot
and made me pee-pee when me could not?
…..Me Mudder!
Whose hair so gently she would part
and hold me tightly to her heart
and sometimes squeeze me until I’d fart?
…..Me Mudder!
Who looked at me with eyebrows drooped
and screamed and yelled ’til she had the croup
when in me Sunday pants I pooped?
…..Me Mudder!
And at night when the bed did squeak
and I raised me head to have a peek,
who yelled at me to go to sleep?
…..Me Fadder!!!

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled, “Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!”

No one fails a class anymore; he’s merely “passing impaired.”
You don’t have detention; you’re just one of the� exit delayed.”
Your bedroom isn’t cluttered; it’s just “passage restrictive.”
These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”
Your locker isn’t overflowing with junk; it’s just “closure prohibitive.”
Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
Your homework isn’t missing; it�s just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”

You’re not sleeping in class; you’re “rationing consciousness.”
You’re not late; you just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”
You’re not having a bad hair day; you’re suffering from “rebellious follicle
syndrome.”
You don’t have smelly gym socks; you have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”

No one’s tall anymore. He’s “vertically enhanced.”
You’re not shy. You’re “conversationally selective.”
You don’t talk a lot… You’re just “abundantly verbal.”
You weren’t passing notes in class. You were “participating in the discreet
exchange of penned meditations.”
You’re not being sent to the principal�s office. You’re “going on a mandatory
field trip to the administrative building.”
It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual
information.”
The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenging.”