Category: relationships

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours.

If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free…….

You either married it or gave birth to it!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, “Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It’s been flickering for weeks now.”

He looks at her and says angrily, “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.”

To which he replied, “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”

“Fine,” she says, “Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.”

“I’m not a damn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. “Honey, how’d this all get fixed?”

She said, “Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake.”

He said, “So, what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied, “Hellooooo… Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?”

A lady was married to this brute of a man who always beat and kicked her. On top of all that, when they did have sex, it was no good. So, she decided she was tired of him and got a divorce.

A couple days after the divorce finalized she placed an ad in the paper that read: “WANTED. Husband that won’t beat me or kick me. “Good sex a must.”

A week or so passed and she finally gets a knock at the door. She goes to answer it only to find a man sitting in a wheel chair. She asks what he wants and he informs her that he will be her new husband.

“Well, you don’t have any arms.” she notices. “I can’t beat you then, can I?” he replies.

“And you don’t have any legs!” “SO! That only means I can’t kick you.”

She pauses for a moment and then asks, “Well what about the sex?” He answers confidently,

“How do you think I knocked on the door.”

Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy with a
knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another
adult when the opponent accused Chase of “traveling” (taking steps without
dribbling the ball). To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the
boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held a
knife to his throat, and asked, “Now. Did I travel?”

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

“Yes, but you know how I love to fish…”

“But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”

“Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish”

A few hours later, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”

“I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…”

The following day: “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”

“Yeah, but she’s got pyorrhea ; and you know how I love to fish…”

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.”

“It’s ’cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”

A manufacturer’s technician was in a small town in the Carolinas, repairing some new specialized machinery, when his trip was suddenly prolonged for an extra month due to some problems in completing the job.

He was already getting bored with the the town. It seemed as if they rolled up the streets and turned out the lights by ten o’clock. Over the course of the extra month he was getting very homesick.

Finally, he gave in to temptation and visited the local brothel on the outskirts of town.

He entered and handed the madam a hundred dollar bill and requested, “Give me the worst performing , most lethargic, disinterested whore in the house?”

The madam says, “Well yes, but for this kind of money, you can have the best we have if you like.”

“No, no,” says our boy, “you don’t understand, I’m not horny, I’m married and just homesick.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells him, “I can cure this”, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….

The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘1 2 3’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens after when its over?”.

The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1 2 3 4’ and it will go down”. “But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!”

This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says “1 2 3”, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.

His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘1 2 3’ for?”

My marriage is childless so far, except for my husband!

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.” Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea — each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: “Isn’t it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills.”

The wife replied: “Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?”

Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested, “Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?”

Her mother glared back at her and said, “Don’t talk about your father that way!”