Category: relationships

What did Snow White say when she sat on Pinoccio’s nose?

“Tell a lie.”

The judge said to Mickey “I can not grant you a divorice from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy” and Mickey said “I didnt say she was crazy, i said she was fuckin’ Goofy!

The middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any knickers under her dress. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite.”

Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

“Well”, the husband replied, “There are three reasons I won’t punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no knickers on. But most of all, I’m not going to punch anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!”

A boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when
they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her,
“Sweetie, why don’t you give me a blowjob?”

“What? You’re crazy?”

“Don’t worry, it will be quick, no problem.”

“No!! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor…”

“At this time of the night no one will show up.”

“I’ve already said NO, and NO!”

“Honey, it’s just a small bowie… I know you like it too.”

“NO!!! I’ve said NO!!!”

“My love. Don�t be like that.”

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with hair
totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says. “Dad says either you have to
blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob
himself, but for God’s sake to tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the
intercom!”

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved.

“Jake,” she said.

“Hush,” he quickly interrupted, “don’t talk.”

But she insisted. “Jake,” she said in her tired voice. “I have to talk. I must confess.”

“There is nothing to confess,” said the weeping Jake. “It’s all right. Everything’s all right.”

“No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you.”

Jake stroked her hand. “Now, Becky, don’t be concerned. I know all about it”, he sobbed. “Why else would I poison you?”

Jane was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp….. only to discover a cucumber in his hand.

“Is THIS what you’ve been using on me for the past 5 years!?!”

“Honey, let me explain!”

“Why you sneaky bastard!” she screamed. “You impotent son of a –“

“Speaking of sneaky!” he interrupted, “maybe you’d care to explain our 3 kids!!!”

My brother’s just opened a store.
Really? How’s he doing?
Six months. He opened it with a crowbar.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”

The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”

“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”

“Tiger Woods.”

“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

“What are you doing?” asks the wife.

The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.

The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”

“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”

“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”

“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by yisman

A man goes to his doctor and says, ?I don?t think my wife?s hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?? The doctor replies, ?Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn?t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.? The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, ?What?s for dinner, honey?? He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, ?Honey, what?s for supper?? She screams, ?For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!?

NOVICE: Do clever men make good husbands?

SAGE : Clever men don’t BECOME husbands!

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law `etter than I like mine.”

WIFE : The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.

HUSBAND: Which is this?

NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?

SPOUSE : Sure, what are my choices?

NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

The word ‘stressed’ makes perfect sense when you realize it is ‘desserts’ spelled backwards.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

A young man was extolling the virtues of his beautiful fiancee. One of his closest friends said to him: “You can’t be serious about marrying Sarah Jane!”

“Why”, he asked. “She’s dated every man in Phoenix.”

The bridegroom-to-be thought awhile and then muttered pensively, “Phoenix isn’t such a big town.”

MRS MURPHY’S LAW: If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong when he’s out of town.

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said, “It really works!”

This guy goes to a party without his wife. He hears this other guy say to his wife “Pass the sugar, Honey.” and “Pass the honey, Sugar.” He thinks this sort of speech is a good idea. So, in the morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast he says to his wife, “Pass the bacon, Pig.”

First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”

Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, the house wouldn’t be here!” The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money I wouldn’t be here either.”

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”

The bum said, “No.”

The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”

The bum said, “No.”

Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

The Horse Auction
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.”

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. — Rich Little